I donno

Hello my dear bloggers...

Long time no see yall

Me is back..haha

Hurm...

Well, basically I write because I have heart issues.
This time..hey...I am being left alone by him..
Let me refresh.. It was him that I can't really be with him from my previous post.

Anyway, now I start to feel I am left out..
Alone..
Being thrown away..
Feeling like I am in faraway ocean
Being drift away miles
Alone.....

Everyday I am expecting his call or text..
I felt like a stupid person awaiting something which won't really happen..
I am not mentally disorder. Just because of Love.
I miss being with him
I miss more being myself
In times when I want to walk away.
I will end up still awaits..
I don't really know why..
I know there won't be a chance
Yet I chose a path where to hurt myself more everyday
I tried being with someone else
But those feelings are not the same

Day and night, hours minutes seconds,
I think I am the one who usually look for him
I will start to text him when for me is too long he went missing..
Now a days he manage to get himself on Facebook.
I saw him in recommended friends but I did not add him cause I know if I add him I will be more hurt than now.
What I can do is just to see from far
I tried my best every time when I see something unpleasant I tell myself not to cry
Be a strong women as how your history teaches you.

I hope I can end this. Can anyone be the person who awaken me from my dreams?
My prince charming...

-Love-

Yuuki

Its Time

I think its time..
Its time for me to back off
I waited for this time for 6 months..
and it has arrived..
I do feel sad..
Leaving it behind is not something that I would like to do
But in the current situation..
It will be the best thing to do..
Loving him is giving him peace..
Loving him is also letting him go..
Loving him is to make sure he is happy with his current life..
(I know its all about talk...to feel it..I feel like taking a knife just stab into my heart)
But what to do..
Life still must go on..
I pray for you the best..
You can be a good father..
A good husband..
Without me your life is still the same.
Still colourful..As always..
I know..Always knew it..
But I was naive to still believe in our love (suppose my love/feelings?)
And eventually it just hit me that its gonna end..soon..
And apparently the time just came..30/9/2014..
The time...the time for me to go...
Letting go of you is not that I don't love you anymore..
Like I said earlier.. Sometimes you won't even know what is the best for you..
So as me..I will show what will be the best for you..
As I leave..I will leave quietly..
I will thank god for sending you to me..
Even its just a while..
I know some day I will find the right person..
I know I am strong..
I know I can do it (hope so)
Being silent is the best way to make you forget me..
Being silent is also the best way for me to back up...
I wont be with you any longer
I've tried my best on finding ways to pull back for these few weeks..
Include changing my job..not my number obviously..Cos it makes no sense to change number because of a guy..
Til we meet again my love..


I know I am strong,

YuukiLee

Today...two post..
whatever..
why do I write here?
Am too heart broken now
I have no friends to talk to about me at this hour (12AM)

Most of my post I were talking about how much I love him
What I hope with him
I need to stay strong to back off..
bla bla bla

But I just notice today..
The more I do anything to push him away..the more I love him
The more I try to change my mindset for us to become friends.. The more I miss and love him
When I behave like nothing happens...He will suddenly appear and spark the feelings
When I tried to talked him out to let me go...apparently he wont..

This is the first time in my life where I don't get the person I love..
It damn hurts
And usually I tell people that "Love is not just about being with each other..sometimes we need to learn to let go"..
Now when it happen to me..I am lost..its hard (freaking hard) to let go..

Sometimes I question God, why I am tested like this..
In the same time...I know that God have his plan...
I hope I am strong enough to walk through this test created by God to me..
One of the toughest test for me..

I really do miss the whole of you..
And when I notice that I am tooooooooo deeply in love with you is that..I see no wrong in you (not to say no wrong..I dont really get mad in what you do..and I will always forgive)
Its been eating me inside out for more than 6 months already..guess another less than 6 months I can celebrate my 1st anniversary of heartache..

Why am I so loving you?
You are not a good person..I know what you did..
I know no one is perfect..
But..everything on you...physically and attitude and mentally..
Is all I am craving for..you are my type of guy
And I know...God will not pair us up with the person of your preference.

Everyday I will be loving and missing him more..
I just hope we really can be together..
I still have time..to wait..as long as I am willingly to wait..

Love,
Me

Beside

What means by beside?
Hoho..today...on a public holiday..and i yem werking... Gosh..

Hmm..ok..dont complaint much cos we get up to triple pay...and since its public holiday not much work to do..

Ok..what is beside..
Beside me is him..today i sat next to him
Oh..why? I dont know.. i thought i said i wanna run far away from him

Looking at him every second is breaking my heart piece by piece..
Today since i am too much broken...i tend to annoy him..much..
I hope those annoys him alot...
Cos its too hurting when it is breaking off piece by piece..

This shows how much i love him and how much i want to avoid him..
How much i want to be away from him..
How much i think its me who needs to back off..

If only i have the courage to do what i think i gonna do...huhu...
Damn i hate myself this weak..
Its just not so me..
I guess its been long when i sincerely love someone..

Dear god o mighty..i pray for courage to walk away from him..the person u sent to let me know what is love again...

~me in my own world~

Decision

What decision?
Opportunity cost..
So..which are best for me..

Hmmm
Ok..its time to back off lil by lil
Its killing me myself n i i guess
Yes he keeps telling me that he loves me..keeps reminding me that he loves me always..
But..what i have learnt from the past..
Love is not to conquer...
Love is to appreciate
Sometimes love needs sacrifies..
I will still be loving him..
But..I think...(dont really know for how many times)..its time to move on
Yes i love him..alot..so much...were most of the guys dont really got it from me..
Overwhelming love..and because of that its killing me..
I have to learn to stay strong..maybe step by step to leave him...
It will hurt me more than hurting him..i suppose..
Well..cos i kinda know the outcome of our relationship..rather than keep being like this...i rather to move on...but is freaking hard..
I just hope that i will get some other opportunity where i wont be seeing him anymore..that will keep both us calm and think about our feelings i guess..
I think its time to voice it out what and where shall i bring this relationship..
No heart feelings...
But..can i do it..am i strong enough to let go the feelings?
Shall i walk step by step
Shall i be firm with my decision
Should i think of his feelings?
The weak part of me is...i do think of others feelings and that makes me love the person so much...
Decision...so..which should i choose?

*me me me*

The moment...

The moment when i notice no one can be in my heart except you

The moment when you told me you love me

The moment you asked me to marry you when both us are ready

The moment I know that you are prone to get women fall for you

The moment you made me laugh, hate, cry, pissed off with and for you

The moment that you told me "do let me know if you have someone else anytime...i do want you and i dont care" because you know out there, there are more guys which are much more better than you

The moment you giving me hope (either true or false)

The moment I decided to still love you

The moment that I notice I cant leave you anymore

The moment when I say I love you

And is the moment that I hope I will be officially yours whenever you are ready


I Love You so much....
I dont know what fate that we will have
But I know if we dont try there wont be any result
You made me cant stop loving you even for a second
And I hope you do remember me in your heart even when we dont meet often..
Remember me in your prayers...
And always love me even we are so close yet so far...


Love
-me-

Sincerely
-for you-

Emotional

Yuhuuu my beloved blog...and bloggers who is reading my post (I bet no one does because the stats shows..LOL) Nevermind.. I just write here so that I can tell everything without hiding..Friends? am lack of true true friend. So..here I am.. posting for nobody..haha

Anyway..in conjunction with the title..
This week is a very emotional week.. all types of emotion.
At first..confuse..whether for me to still love him or not..
but then I got the answer to continue loving him..don't really know until when..(hurm..just go with the flow yuuki...go with the flow)

After I got the answer.. I was panic..cos I notice my period was late..
Then I asked him.. What If? He answered, our baby will be very cute.. (I was like..u seriously with our current situation?)
Even though I don't wanna have a child with our current relationship dilemma but deep down in my heart I actually wanted a baby with him.. LOL
I noticed this when I had my period today (why am I telling this in my blog? whatever..just expressing my feelings)
I felt so disappointed then I noticed that I actually did hope for a baby deep down in my heart..

Then is today... I am officially a student again. Yey!!!..
I registered my name for my MBA course and I can see the new hectic me after this since I am doing part time. Frankly speaking it will be VERY hard to work and study. But since I took up the challenge so...GOOD luck Yuuki. God bless the future of me.

And now am thinking again...
I won't be able to go anywhere for at least 18 months since there wont be any semester break (ok..its only 1 week) so..I CAN go for a short trip. But I prefer going back to hometown to visit my granny..
But I still need a break right.. hmm..
OK.. lets decide that later..Owh my dear Tioman, Phuket, Krabi (money)


Love,
Yuuki

i've tried

I've tried hard to live this life for myself, my family and my friends..i live the fullest..and i hope that i can tell myself i can live without u..
After so long..yet i still need your presents..everytime either am home or outside hanging out..hanging out with friends..travels..i will be thinking "if only" u were around..
I dont really know whether will i have the chance.. i know you are now facing a hard time.. and i think among us who are involved including yourself wont be feeling what i feel now.. I know love is always blind.. I came to fell in love with you at the wrong time. This makes me sick.. I wanna have you just all to me.. but I know i cant have it unless something miracle happens.. I tried my best to continue my life..not to live with your sayings your words.. but it became a rutin or I can say the power of love kept those words you told me in my heart rather than my mind and due to that i cant move on.
Sometimes i feel like you dont treat me fairly but i know you cant.. you are virtually not mine at all.. most of the time i feel like i am dreaming.. loving living and crying in the dream with you in it.. Loving someone that you know that you cant be having them 100% for the rest of your life hurts. Everyone wants a complete family. And if i dont stop loving you or you dont wanna let me go.. I am afraid that i will end up being that someone who waited for the guy where she obviously knows he wont make the move... Might be he is just playing around with me.. but am happy and i dont know why.. well thats what they said..

Love is blind..

Birthday

So today marks myself turning into 25 years old. 

I guess this birthday brings back memories. I celebrated with my family after for almost 5 years I stayed outside busy with classes and work. I love my family very much and I pray for their health always.

Today, I decided to be alone its actually not because I wanna be "alone" but I am reserving my time for him. The whole day I waited for his call and at last he called me around 3pm. Wished me happy birthday.. din promise me to meet up..So I came back disappointed but I am still hoping.. (well I always hopes to see him..everyday).. I was laying down on my bed thinking and praying that I will meet up with him today...and yes..he called me and confirmed that he will drop by..

I was soooo happy.. indescribable.. He drop by wishes me..I don't really mind not having a present (actually I do..cos I want something to reminds me of him since I dont know when will be the next time for me to see him) I manage to persuade myself saying that I am happy because he showed up even just for few hours..

I thought that I forgotten him..but I believe its a no..I am still crazily in love with him (I manage to control my feelings now I guess because I put my faith to God) 

Owh...another thing..

yippi I will be furthering my MBA...yeyyy..

best birthday gift ever I guess..

:)

will start my class on 8/9/2014

and I think I wont be meeting him much then.. cos I can only meet him during weekdays (now). I will be having classes until 9.30pm during weekdays and he wont/cant meet me during weekends. So I think I might want to have to again persuade myself to stay away from him...AGAIN and I hope this time I succeed.

Studying is more important now..I can't give up me and my family's hope..

My goal for my birthday

*study smart

*stay healthy

*pump the abs and hips up

*makes him jealous and regret to keep my in shape (we'll see the outcome later)

Before I log off.. good nite my friends around the world..

 

So...He actually went missing for 5 days and at last he called me..

I was going to give him 2 weeks grace period if I do not receive any calls I will totally shut my heart for him.

But...after 5 days he gave me a call and I felt like we are FAR...

Maybe I already close half of my heart to accept him already..

Or its just a feeling where I him to be with me..

Hmm...

So, he promised me to see me on Monday..

We just wait and see what will happen.

Nite people

Finally..Is it?

Finally,
Today,
I manage to snap out of my dilemma and thanks to him..
The words he used makes me realised am playing with fire..its not flame..but fire..
But yet..I dont really know am I ready to move on..
I told myself..just go with the flow..
Maybe 1 fine day I will find someone much better than him..
Who can be with me always..
Who loves me the fullest..
Who.........makes me happy everyday..

When people tell you "thanks for being understanding" but for you its because you have to understand..you have no choice..Even you don't wanna be the one who always understands the situation..It hurts like hell..
One word that makes me realised...how terrible I am in some point also how pathetic I am in this relationship..
Always be the giver..not the taker...I guess..so maybe next time I should be the taker..at least I still live happily..
As a giver I challenge my self...the hard way this time..
Well..as of now..am still in love with you...
but...I dont really know until when..
I hope I really can move on..I dont wanna be in this terrible position again..
I will miss US a lot...
After quite some time...you were the person who made me felt like I am a woman..
Thank you for loving me (I don't know is it true..I just take it as yes since you voice it out)
Thank you for being with me..treat me like a woman not a girl..
Thank you for giving me a lil hope (which was actually not a lil..) until I can't really leave you..
Thank you for everything...yes...everything even we don't have a lot of memory together..I appreciate it..much

I love you dear..I dont know whether will it be forever..or I might find someone else later on..
As of now..I am still in love with you...

Me,Myself and I

The feeling

So...
I told him how I felt..guilty, love, hate, everything..
I was so released but on the other hand..He still gives me hope to be with him
He told me that he loves me..he cares about me..and he told how happy he had me..
Owh..he is a sweet talker..he knows how to win woman's heart.
And yes..I fell for it..
And now suffering myself..my own feelings..my own thoughts..
I just hope I can go with the flow..no more thinking too much..its bad for my feelings and brain also..
At first I decided to move on..
but how he did the reverse psychology...was too much...
he just makes me wanna be by his side every day...
and I know it will be a 50 50 gamble..its either I will be wasting my time..
OR I will get him...but yet I wont be with him 24/7
He have other commitments. Guess it is much more important...
Shall I gamble my fate?
Shall I go with the flow??
go with my heart feelings?


Love, hate, you

Disappointment

Another week passed by...and yet..I am still here alone..
Praying and hoping that he will be here with me..at least few hours..
A lil bit of disappointment (a lot actually) after moving here..
I think I really need to re-think on my feelings for him..
Am I too naive to fall in love with someone that I know I wont ever have him to myself every single day..
Can I walk through the path of my aunt?
She managed it for 20 years and I do respect her very much now how she can be alone everyday..seeing her love one only maybe 2 months once...
Might be because I am the person who needs someone around..to be with me...
I don't really know why...might be because I was alone all the while...no siblings around..only me and my granny..all the time..

Don't really know what to type here cos its just too lonely to describe the feeling
Am crying from the inside I guess..
I shouldn't have let him know that I love him..
He did replied that he loves me too but..
After few months..I guess its too much...
If only I can let him read my blog...at least he will know how I feel in these few months..
I am the expressive type..Even he don't read it part of my feelings he already know..
But he don't know the full of it..
I wonder if he reads it will he still be with me? or he will let me go because he pity me?

I just feel that I am so helpless..
its been a while...to love someone this much..
Will I ever have a chance to be part of him?
I don't really know..What and how my life will end up?
I don't know...1 step at a time I guess..
Just having headache thinking of it.

I hope he knows what am I thinking...

Love
Me

Miss

Today...am working..and i dont know why when it comes to weekends i will miss him badly..
Maybe that i wont be seeing him until the next working day (if am working and not on offday)
He promised me that he will visit if I moved near to him..but unfortunately..am left alone..its been almost a month...
He eventually blame our work schedule..well I agree...but..hmm...he may need to know how to arrange his time..still I dont blame him but only me myself knows how i feel..i want to be with him so badly that it is eating my feelings up..

I know that our relationship will be in a 50 50 future. And still I am betting on it..
Too naive on relationship i guess..
Or we can call it love is blind?
Am i the only one who gives my all to the person we love?...huhu
I learn from the past but still jumping into it...feelings...love...what is that? Too subjective to explain.
Hope you will learn about my blog cos i wrote everything is in my heart here..

Luv u always dear...my heart was left with u..do give me back when we meet...

Love
Yuuki

Lonely Night

Today...
Another lonely night for me..
I don't really know since when I wanted someone to hold me tight while I am sleeping..
I was a strong independent women.
But since when I need someone to care for me..
Is it my women instinct blossoms while I aged?

Today..
I felt like hugging someone..(I don't really know I want anyone to hold me or just him)
Am I even falling for him every second until I felt this way?
Guess this time round is not a crush..I am seriously in love again..
But yet..I don't know how we will turn out like..
Its like a mission impossible..
Not only to me..especially to him..
Shall I wait for him? or shall I move on
I can't see any future of ours yet. Maybe its too early to predict it but it seems forever to get to that point of our relationship.
Will he be mad if I decided to move on? (it hurts me even crossing the word in my mind)
I really really really wants to be with him..
Will I be strong enough to go through all this?
Shall I give up?
People said sometimes is better to give up and move on..
Start a whole new life again..push away the feelings once I had..

Today..
I felt helpless..
I do have a lot of people around me to spend time with.. (its just not the same)
Even if I go out..I will still think of him..
Trying hard to forget a person will only makes it more difficult to forget..
Its so much a learning curve for me this time..
When it comes to love..its too subjective to being questioned.
Why? How? When? did I even fall in love so deeply
Where is the strong side of me?
She was defeated so easily by him..
I've been asking myself thousand times..
Since when I will fall for this category of a man..

Today..
I feel like crying..
But there ain't no tears dripping..
I can feel my heart aches while I am writing all my feelings here..
I have been confessing to him way too much where it gives myself too much hope..
Every single time I confess I will feel like I might have chance to be part of him
When it comes to logical thinking..
It seems like..it wont happen...
Back to important question..
Shall I wait for him? I did confessed to him..his answer was so not promising..but yet my heart says wait for him..my logical mind says please move on..or you will hurt even deeper..
I hope I don't fall into depression due to this.
It will be quite embarrassing if it does..
"Depression due to a guy which I know from the start I won't get him..but if I do it will be a bonus"

Today..
A lil regret on the confessing session
I think I will be better if I did not confess to him..
I know its my fault on causing myself like this..feeling hurt..no one to talk to..cos I know no one will understand what I feel..
They can be a good listener..a good adviser but yet the decisions will be made by me..
I really need someone to cares me now..I want to brush away these feelings..
I need someone for me to love and I can get the love back.
I can't be in the shadow..I can't be the one waiting..
No matter how strong words I can think of...It will just reminds me of how much I loved him..
Is he that important to my life? for being so emotional while he is happy everyday..
I think I should just lay low a bit..to see whether he does appreciate me for me or he wants someone who he can bully all along..
I noticed I often fall for "bad guys"and it always turns out not the way I wanted.

Today..
I am thinking with this loneliness feeling...Am I ready for marriage?
taking the responsibilities of being a good wife and a great mum to my kids..
Am I competent enough to do all those works..
Will my future husband complaint?
Guess not..cos you should accept your wife as who she is..and if she changes because of you...its because he loves you too much and don't want to loose you..
This is what I felt..I starting changing my appearance, my language, my almost everything...for him..cos I am scared of loosing him..
Come to think about it is so foolish of me..

BIG QUESTION NOW
Shall I wait or I move on?

-miserable-me

do i?

Guess everytime when i start to blog is the time when i dont have anyone to talk to about my feelings or to the person I am thinking so much..

Today..officially 4th day I dint see him (ok..did saw him on friday but its like..5 minutes..manage to tell him i missed him)
So..work does seperates people unless you are staying together..

I thought i can eventually survived without seeing him..but..these feelings dissapointed me. I've been missing him every second. Even i dont think of him, he just popped into my mind and hurts my heart.
I cannot not miss him i guess cos half of the reason i moved is because of him..
I felt kinda stupid now cos I listens to him too much where end of it it will still break me apart. Well..what people says os true..love is blind..and I am blind and I dont know when I will be awaken.

Being left alone with no any news if a very frustrating event. I really need at least to listen to his voice so that i can keep up my momentum for the whole weekend of being alone. When can I know that he is really the person that is worth to wait for?
Guess the only ways to know is by asking him. Is he really really serious with his feelings?

Well..its time to sleep i guess...missing him wont keep me surviving in this materialistic world.

Night peeps..

Again!!

Olla people on the floor..
Its me and me again
Again with my never ending love story..
I thought that I manage to shove the feelings towards him away...i did throw quarter of it. But there are still those deep feelings to him..i hate it..cos i feel like i am too weak..i love him too much where i got those jealous feelings..supposely i wont have it even with my previous bf..
Why is it with him i felt jealous with girls around him..
Actually because he is too caring and too soft to girls. And lots of girls will have feelings to him..
Hmm..my bad..
Whatever..i hope these feelings can gone as soon as possible..cos i cant even see the girls that which is too closed with him..and i need to try very hard to refuse the feelings...i hate that i get jealous on these things which i hardly have it or i dont encounter it. Might be i dont see him often maybe.. thats the reason why i want his attention just for me. Hmm...
It tough eh..
Oh god
I just love him so much
Take care of him for me..
Get rid of these feelings for me..
I know u know whats the best for me
But this feelings are too much and i know it might be just another fate that u want me to learn in my life...
I hardly can handle it already..

Hope everything will be alright soon

-lovemyself-

Snap out

Dear blog,

Its been a while since I asked him to go out on a date with me..

So I tried asking him a lot.

I want to try whether my feelings for him has already been overwrite by the logic that I have put in my mind..

Did I manage to overcome all the madness of being too in love with him..I wonder...

Still I know I love him but...the logic was greater. Might be because I am a survivor of any problems so I took it as a lesson.

Don't try loving anyone that you can't get..when you snap out of the dream..you will notice that you are a fool..

Eventually that is how I feel now..damn I felt ashamed in some part..but..hey..manage to snap out of it..(guess so) hope nothing triggers it..huhuhu

So..now will try to treat him as a friend..or maybe more than friend but not a lover...

hard but I've done it before..so..good luck to me...heh...

Still I know I love him..but yet..logically thinking...he might just leave me...

Dont ever put 100% feelings to a relationship..cos we will end up suffering if it did not work out..

one of my quotes..successfully being utilized..only currently it went out of control and it came back in line..

Am proud of myself....yey

Good Job

and will talk to you again bloggie..

Me myself and I

To Love or Not to Love

Again...same question all over again..
Its still playing in my freaking mind whether to love him or not to love him
What shall I do?
I don't feel secure with the relationship..
I don't have any prove that the relationship will last long...YES I know love doesn't need any prove..
but yet...When it comes to the future..we need to think further..
since he is a forbidden love..
Its either I proceed to find a better person for me...who can be with me..
OR I just stay by his side thinking that love will win it all..
Am I one of your card?
Or you really do love me?
I bet if we really be together I wont even see you much..
I don't really know can we be a couple or not..
Will you be there for me if I need you?
Will you come to me as soon as you get my call?
Will I be treated the same?
or I will need to be VERY independent?
I believe you have heard my story and you know I am the person who can easily survive in any circumstances.
But please don't forget...I am still a normal women..
I need your love..your guidance..your presents..your soul here with me..
I don't wanna end up being the place where you come and go...
At least please be with me one whole day and night..Its sufficient.
Question is..can you do it?
YES seeing you once a week will really make me independent..
trust me I will be too independent that you cant control me..and I don't want that...
Cos I dont wanna do anything which will hurt your feelings...*foolish me*
What will you do to me?
Will it be the same as now in the future?
Or I will  get my fair part of you?
If it will still be the same I rather shove you away and start to get a better man who I deserve more than you...
If I am getting my fair part of you...please...do let me know..

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!

Hey There...I miss you so much!!..
Guess this is the only place that I can "shout" out loud that I miss you.
You've been running in my head since morning and I don't know how to get rid of you.
Maybe I should go out and have a drink with someone and forget about you for a moment..
At least a moment...Cos I know it wont be long until I am back on missing you like crazy.
This happens like...on days I don't see you or talk to you or even text you..
So..after this will another less time of seeing you around..
I hope I can survive that..since I still can text you I guess..If you allow me to..

I felt like I am torturing myself through these feelings..(actually I am)
I am still fighting with the right choice..
I hate being like this..
its just not so ME
I long left her behind..but she came back..with more intense feelings..
I thought she wont be coming back anymore
But when he appears in my life..the Me just rushed back..
I told myself not to love anyone 100% because I will end up hurt eventually..
I have done alot to persuade myself that loving myself is the best thing to do for the time being..
Eventually...it just came back...the feeling of me being loyal...being conquered and being tamed by a guy makes me love every bit of him..I wonder what spell he cast on  me where I can love him almost from the whole of my heart..
And I am left alone here figuring out what to do with it since I or Him can't really love each other 100% in reality..For me it will hurt me hard while for him..guess there is other commitments..but its just being stubborn even I know that I wont be getting the best of him..
I hate myself even more when I start missing him cause it hurts.
I hurts real bad when you miss someone and you don't know to whom, where, or how to express. Every time I still end up here eh. Guess she is a good listener..she will fill in all I tell here..thanks oh blog for being my best friend for now (i dont like journals..maybe I hate writing since my writing is not that beautiful)

One fine day I hope you can read all my post here and you will know how I suffer by loving you alone.
I wish I can have a heart to heart conversation..I thought it will be today...but unfortunately.. guess not..I know you are busy..so..I keep it to myself for another week..hope I wont explode..

hurt-lil-heart

Meroyan Lagi

Meroyan LAGIIIIII
adoi...smpi bile nk meroyan pon xtau la..
ni da second time meroyan da..
Kenape la aku syg sgt kt dier ni wei..
bkn aku dpt ape dri dier pon..

bodoh la ko ni...hmm

aku rase hati aku ni terbelah kepada dua da ni..
sebelah evil me..sebelah good me..
dorg da mcm bertumbuk kt dlm kate nk syg dier or tak...da mcm ape da..
kalau la aku bleh btau dier skng kan best...
at least dier tau ape aku rase..
tp.........
mcm xgune gak..
ape dier nk buat?
dier hanye mampu mendengar..aku ni spe je..smpi skng aku dok terpikir...smpi ke mne mcm ni...
the evil me kate tkut sgt kehilangan dier..aku nk dier smpi bile2...
tp the good me keep saying...lepaskan la dier...xbaek kacau hak org....
berperang mereka dua dlm hati...
kesudahannyer nanges sorg2...sbb cant cope up dgn feeling sendiri...

Dugaan yg sgt berat...dan aku xtau smpi bile...apekah dier jodoh ku?
takdir, jodoh, ajal, maut sume ditgn Tuhan..

Mungkin ini adalah cara utk aku berfikiran matang dan juga menduga kesabaran aku dan membuat keputusan yg terbaek...
cmne nk buat keputusan terbaek klu masih berperang dlm hati...
hmmm...................
tak dinafikan syg aku kt dier mmg kuat...smpi satu tahap aku xnk lepaskan dier...
still...who am i to him?
xde org akan tau melainkan dier je..
klu aku tnyer pon....kite xtau jawapan btul ke tak..
Dan aku tak nak diberi harapan yang palsu..
Sbbkan cinta ini aku takut aku akan jatuh pada harapan yang palsu (sekiranya palsu la)
Sampai bila?

Persoalan terbaru dalam pemikiran ku...
SAMPAI BILAKAH?


-Clumsy-Me

Why ah?

Aloha people..
After trying and trying..I am still in love with him
ok..that is not a good sign..

person who cant be with me 24/7 for the rest of my life..no use of keeping..
but why am I still in love with him?
He is kinda too good to be true.
"who am I really to u?"
I don't really know should  I love or should I not love u..
when I love you it hurts me cos I know I wont get all of you..
when choose to not love you..you keep popping in my mind and it turned around to I still love you

I can choose to be with you..
But I pity myself..
I grew up alone..YES I have siblings cousins and so on
but most of the time its me and my granny..
I don't have family experience at all...
If I choose to be with you..I can't feel it also..cos I know you won't be around most of the days..or maybe half of the day..
I will still end up being alone maybe with our kids..
but what happen to the love I seek..
I know you love me..but being apart..hmm..
I've gone through a lot for me to think about marriage..married to someone that wont be with me...
I want someone who can be there for me everyday..except all the outstations bla bla bla
I really do want to feel a family feeling..

argghh...I hate myself now a days..but I choose to say I hate you in my text..cos..deep in my heart I do hate you too actually..cos why did you turn up later and why not earlier.. :(

sometimes I am thinking am I being fooled around?
hurm..shall ask him one of the days.

*beingaloneisnotagoodthing*

but sometimes we need to have alone time..

Speechless

At first I wanted to write the story how I feel for the person...but..bad news came to me before even I started writing here.

OK. my most trusted boyfriend cheated on me. Actually I am not SO shock on this news when someone told me the story. Its like I was expecting it just that its a gamble. Even though its hard to stay calm but I manage. Part of it might be my fault because gave him less attention now a days. Also, am in love with someone else. Which I can't get obviously. But still..he can't just use my trust to go cheat around. What ever..its ok..now I am thinking how to catch the fox.
Should I or should I not?
I dont know what will be my response if I really catch them.

By the way, I am actually mad with my friend. Why did he cover up for him?
Hey people, I thought I know you longer than you know him.
I guess I got a wrong type of friend.
I still can handle my emotion as of now.

Just don't let me catch it or you will get a nice one from me. I don't mind being single and I don't mind loosing this type of friend.

Trust me..you don't really know who the real me is.
Haven seen me mad before right?
Maybe next week?
This week am too busy to even think of this issue actually. I will go with the flow until my emotions cant be hold anymore. Then you will know how it is.

Enough of writing tonight. I don't know what time I will sleep. Damn am working morning.
So..

Nite nite allz,
The pissed off Me

Of Topic

Yuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu,

Today I had a lot of fun outing with my ex colleague..
We are like a family..even though we don't work together anymore still they will invite + force me to any function they organizing..
I felt so appreciated. Since it can consider as 1 of my first job after graduation still I did made good friends and boss

Ok..on the other side of my head..I was trying to run away from me thinking of him..
hmm...I wonder how he thinks..I do really wanna know..
How is he today?
Guess I will know only by tomorrow.
*smiles*

Shall I make a stupid move again?
I do really wanna ask him. But I am not even anything to him. Ok..just friends..
Hurts hurts hurts..

Due to my past I felt like marriage can be put aside first *even I haven got married yet..might be of the stupid abuse*
But after meeting him..I feel like I really need someone by my side to care bout me. *I hope is him..well..it won't be eventually*
Guess I've grew up alone..now I hope the other part of me can show me what is family..What are the feelings..I really need a man not a boy..am sick and tired of it.
*Thats why I fell in love with him..he is a man*
With him I feel peace in my heart..I don't really know why...

guess...that might be the story..

If only I knew you earlier...maybe we aren't meant to be with each other...


Tiring day
nite2..
Love,
Me

Decision

Did I made a wrong decision?

I told him everything about me..the past..
I'm scared of loosing him.But he should know too if he really likes me..
Since I already told...I just pray that its a right decision..
But if lets say he can't accept it..well..I know that he is not the right person..

I really wonder how he feels.
Yes I told him
He do not have any response in his face..
He was not shock at all. Like some of my friends does.
He told me "I was not shock at all cos I have alot of friends like you.."
Unfortunately I did not have the courage to ask how he feels after I told him.
Anyway...its to someone that I should not have loved.
I guess I might be ok if he do not accept me..
hurm..

Hey YOU, how do you feel after I told you?
Do you think you will like me?
If only you know how much I  love you..hurm..
I know its hard/not possible to earn your love..but..
EVEN if I said that nevermind I can survive with that but way far in the heart I still hope I can be yours forever...

Forever yours,
Me

Near but Far

Wuhuu..
Today is a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG day...

Spent over 12 hours outside the house..now I feel like no more energy in my body even after KFC..

So..about today's topic..Near but Far..why?
I spend also 12 hours with him so its near..but why far...because...I cant do anything to him..I feel like holding his hands..walking through the people that we passed by. But since we are 3 of us so..I did not take any action..so...he is near me but the feeling is like being each of us in different part of the world.
Yes i admit that its a dream only to walk openly with him holding hands..where I can freely hug him..or even kiss him..

Eventhough I do not have any time with you just the two of us. But today makes me happy..cos I see your face for a longgggggg time.. :)

dear A,
Luv you much...(keeping in the heart only)

When he thinks I'm too rough

Yesterday......
Mental breakdown for me..cried the whole night thinking of him..Then in the morning I sent him a text..even though we are just sitting next to each other. I wanted to tell him directly but can't. Since its in the office and I couldn't find a suitable place and time to say it to him. So, the text sounded like this:
"Hey there, just dropping by to say I love you so much and its killing me from the inside..wanted to tell you face to face..but..nvrmind..today need to be alone for a while..just to keep myself on track..or maybe to love you less :-P .. that's also one of the reason I can't sleep"

Well..after sending that text..he did gave me some space to let me get back on track..no more teasing me and so on..although I missed it but..just to love him less..I have to put some gap between us I guess..

I wonder do you really love me as me or its just to persuade me?
Shall I ask this question?
I'll wait for the right time.

Today..
Due to yesterday's thingy..I actually acted rough and boyish today..And he noticed..
Asked me why..I just said simply..
If only I can tell you sincerely..I act rough because of you..I don't wanna fall too deep for you (its already real deep)..When I act rough maybe you will talk to me less..because I know you prefer girlish girls..

If only you knew I've changed some of me for you..
Love really change people it seems..
I hate loving because I will start following what the person says..
As what you always ask me not to do I will try to not do it..
If I don't love you I guess I don't give a Damn..because one of my living quotes are..I don't give a damn what people think of me..I am transparent enough as a person..


I hope that all goes well.. I hope that I can get my heart back...because eventually my heart is attached to him..DEAR HEART, PLEASE COME BACK TO ME..I know that I deserve someone better..but..in the mean time I haven't found anyone yet..A friend told me.."hey..I've seen you suffer too much because of love..try getting someone who loves you more and you will be happy" .. but for me..loving and loving back the person is better because both will appreciate each other.

Note: Dear A, please give me back my heart..be sincere to me..I don't mind the heart is given back in pieces..as long as you give me back...I am strong enough to stand up again since I've gone through many times...try saying some mean words to me..since you can't love me back..or simple says..we can't be in any relationship..please..don't treat my heart too well..smash it if you have to...I know I can glue it back..and the feelings for you will be locked way down..

Love,
Stupid Girl

Irritated

OK.. today I was happy to see you..

But..do you know you irritate my whole day today?
I guess its because I was actually waiting for your call yesterday but unfortunately none came that's why I became irritated with you..
If only you know how I feel..
I know you have your own commitment..
So do I.. *ok..I haven't done anything right yet as of now..I only pray for his healthiness*
hmmm..

It is hard to get something which is not yours. Even a 5% out of it.
Guess I need to stay away for awhile.
Act like I don't care of anything
And pray hard that I will forget the feelings towards you.

I am determined that I will not follow what you say..asked me to do..
*even its hard to do because I love you that's why I listen and do what you say*
I will try to improve on my determination just for my own sake I guess.
I can't really rely on these feelings anymore..Its breaking me into pieces..
YES its into pieces..
I will lock the love at the end of my heart..and I hope I can throw away the keys..and written there
NO ENTRY...same as others with other names on it.
but this love..guess no entry might be suitable..hahaha..

ok.. I LOVE HATE YOU

whatever..

nite peeps..
stay beautiful..

I miss you

Okay..this is the continuing blog from the previous topic..

I miss you so much.....

I can only say it out loud here..

I can tell no one that I fell in love with you..that I miss you..loving you makes me feels like I don't have any friends to talk to..Maybe I am scared of people's judgement..

Hey YOU,
I think its time for me to throw away the feelings even its hard I will try my best.
Loving you hurts me and I don't like it.
Now its real hard to forget the feeling but I know I will. Please say something mean to me..to help me..
Don't be the person of my taste when in front of me. I really need you to not be the person I want  (even I know that is your nature character)
Its been a month where I snap out and notice I actually fell in love with you.
And its also 1 month I tried to get rid of the feeling..
Nothing helps..I tried going out all the time..not being alone..but anyway human needs rest. And while resting you keep popping on my mind..And my heart will start aching..
I feel like an idiot when I cry over you. But..thats what happened. I can't control it.
Even I am boyish..I survived my life..I am still a girl, women, a lady. My heart is still not tough enough to go through this. Its a great feeling but annoying..because like I said.. I CANT have you.

I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE

ok..motivational words for myself even I know I am just bluffing myself out.


Sincerely,
Me

When I'm in Love with a wrong person

Morning Bloggers..

I wonder what he is doing right now...

I know if anyone reads my current post you will be like "can't u just let him know? why write on a blog?"

yea yea yea...I already told him, but he can't respond to it. NO WAY he can. He can only listen. And continue to treat me as normal. I really want to know his heart. What he thinks of me. Does he even like me even we can't be together...maybe for the rest of our life..And I know he can't start any this type of conversation.

We still meet each other too often since we are friends.

And that hurts and makes me happy every time. 

Why hurt? because he can't be mine..Yes we talked, laughed, smile with each other but deeeeeeeeepppp down in my heart wants him badly to be a part of me...

Why happy? because he is by my side even though with others around..I think I love him too much where I can just see his face and be happy as long as he is..

Loving someone that you can't get is one of the bad thing happen.

Now that I already confess just to ease my freaking heart and I actually regretted it. I should just kept it to myself since I know that we can't be together. No use of confessing. Dumb girl. 

Guess I need a Runaway trip to cure my heart and start new. I know it will be very difficult to let go the feeling since I will be facing him almost everyday. But I hope GOD spare me some guidance and forgive what I've done bad so that he take away this feeling fast because I will crumble if it takes too long. Currently I can't be alone because it makes me misses him too much and I will start writing here again.

I hope 1 day I will find someone that I can love and he can love me back. Enough of this lesson. Thanks God for the feeling granted to me and I've learned my lesson. LIFE is hard. But I am one of the survivor.

ok..enough of writing..its turning into something else...

Take care my lovely bloggers. 

Bye ;)

L.O.V.E

Ohayoo Bloggers,

How is everyone?

I think I really left blog for such a longggggggggggggg time..

I think everytime I blog is when I'm thinking of something..

hmmm...

This time round its quite a serious issue..

I know some of you experienced loving someone that you shouldn't have..

That is what I am experiencing currently..

Thank you Lord since you still give me chance to love

but...why?

I've been given the feeling to love someone where I DO NOT even have the possibility to get...

How you will feel if you can't even text him saying "I Miss You" when you are thinking of him..

Me? trying to survive day by day...so that I can forget the feeling as soon as possible..

What I've learned from the past..don't try too hard on forgetting cos it will make you worst..

So..now am trying my level best to actually stop thinking of him..

That is what I want to share..I know its not a good post..but hey... its my blog ;)..

To that person.. I LOVE YOU

*i know you don't have social network and you hardly go online*

This is the only way that I can tell to the world that I love him while in reality...its all drama...

Stage of Life...