Being a Support

Dear Blog,

I am here again to talk to you as I feel so lonely now.

I have no one to talk to daily now on how my day went or to care about another person's daily life.

One day he decided to just vanished leaving me there not knowing what happened.

I now feel like I am in a vast ocean holding on to a stone that is making the boat sail slower. I am doubting myself whether to throw the stone or just hang on to it with hope inside the stone are diamonds. But with the slow sailing boat I don't even know whether I can make it to the land.

I manage to get in touch with him but the feelings are different now when it hurts every time I receive an email from him. I feel like hanging on to it and also letting go. Maybe I just haven't just get used to the fact that I lost a friend to talk to, to love, to cry with, to care, and to celebrate all small achievements.

The content of the email actually told me why he went totally shut down. It was he was battling within himself mentally all the insecurities and jealousy from us being apart for so long now due to the pandemic. 

The mental issues were always there throughout us being together but when we both being apart for so long it all just gotten worst. I did feel the changes but I just shrugged it off. I have try my best to support him by being positive. But it seems like I lost the battle and now that to think that I might even loose him forever hurts. 

I know that if I don't let go of that stone it will eventually drown me because I am on a very fragile boat paddling through the vast ocean and I know deep down in me there is a little piece of hope. Hoping that I will manage to bring the stone with me, keeping it by my side and I will get the diamonds in it. Yet it might take months or even years for me to be there or it might only be an ordinary stone.

Blog,

Am I doing a mistake by not moving forward sooner? 

Should I still hang onto him?

I don't really know anymore. Should I let time heal me? but if I don't let go can I heal?

Will he be coming back to me if he "recovers" or he will be moving on with his life?

There are so many questions, so many insecurities.

Love,

Koala

Companion

Do you believe in Marriage?
Do you think you will have a kid in future?


Since I already have a son. I don’t really think of having another kid.
Marriage? I believe in companion. If there is a marriage or not its ok as long as the person i adore the most. Being at 31 (almost there) I do start to think more about finding the person who i can spend the rest of my life with. Its ok that we don’t have the same interest as long as both of us support each other.

I don’t mind having another kid if the person I adore wants one.  At least there is something that we share together. Regardless a long or short relationship. I really love being alone. But as the time past I do feel lonely from the inside. I would love to have someone that I can share everything like my daily  stories, get to be myself when I am with him, my passion, my interest and definitely the love.

Well, actually I thought I’ve met someone he has the traits that I want to be my companion. Long haired, tall, straight forward af, some nice sense in music, played drum. I knows its all external traits but we start to have an eye on the person is still due external traits first hand. So yes. I am too. I don’t really know him. But I know I am comfortable when I am with him. I get to be myself a lot more.

Unfortunately, I guess we are only meant to be friends. The longer into the friendship the clearer that he only wanted to be friends. Being me, i would not choose loosing a friend forever by telling how I feel but rather keeping him by my side as a friend that i adore. So the circle is here again. Always bumping my head towards a relationship that I felt like I want it but I always end up being too comfortable and scare of loosing him as a friend itself.

It does hurt me when I try to keep it to myself. Always. I am a coward as I come to think about it. I should have let myself go. What’s worst? Not being a friend anymore Or even the outcome will become the one that I have always wanted. The catch is the thoughts of not being able to see him again hurts. So I continue my cowardly journey until maybe 1 day I might get invited to his wedding which will be a very hard decision.

Dear Mister,
Just to let you know that I kinda think I like you. I don’t really know whether are there love but yes i like you. The idea of losing you and being ignored hurts. I don’t know is it you are trying to friendzone me but yea. That is how I feel.

P/s: I know that I always confess in my blog. But this is the only medium I use to rant my heart out.


Love,
YL

Debt

Dear blog,

I learnt the hard way that i should not sympathise people so easily.  This made me have debts carrying under my name.

Its ok. I will again try to stand up and finish the debt that I myself  given in the first place. No matter how long i will try to just finish everything.

I hate my current situation and i hope i will come out of it soon. Everything is everywhere. I dont know what to do or how to do. Guess i should pick up a part time job on February and start to earn more and pay everything.

I have no one to go to for help as its due to financial. No one will ever help. Especially a huge amount.

The only place that i can really pour out what my feeling is will always only be here.

Thanks for the life lesson that i will not forget.

Younger!!!

Dear diary,

Recently I went to an Island. I made new friends along the way. And there is one particular person who I am attracted to. He is sweet funny and encouraging.  The catch is? He was wayyyyyyyy younger. He is in his early 20s and me? Almost 30 (while writing this)

Its been long since this heart was interested in anyone. Well actually I think its the after effect of being too closed to him I presume. Well I am just writing this down to pour all my thoughts and feelings out. Because I will not talk to anyone about it and will not be able to know whether the feelings are real. Or its just a game of the mind and heart.

Its a warm of heart to know that i still have feelings to like/admire/love. I thought i will loose it when i turn 30. Well being this age i believe we look for relevant. Even me. I am looking for someone with a list of criteria. Little did I know that the most simplest act will melt the heart abit. Guess we never know how our feelings works.

But 1 thing for sure is we will not be together in any circumstances. Why? Guess he deserve a better person. Me? Alot of mistakes behind me and i do not want to drag someone that is not related to any of my problems. Not everyone accepts whatever happened and I believe he is still young with full potential to get someone suitable for him.

Being able to love someone and you cannot have that person? It hurts. Alot. Been there. Done that. I have been in those rocky relationship twice now. I love them like crazy and ended up being the second option. Guess knowing this new guy gave me the same feelings i had for the past 2 experiences. And even noticed that most guys that came in between were almost like a rebound. Its unfair to them but i did love them much but my heart can easily change. Only those two person manage to make me love them and it hurts everytime I remember how much I loved them before.

There was one time that this guy texted me again and the heart was so happy. Even after we stop seeing each other. I still believe in love but the heart slowly became hard on the outside but too fragile on the inside which scares me to even love again.

Hey young guy, I have feelings for you.  I cant say that am in love. But I know I wanna have you. I will always see you as my buddy. So dont worry. I wont try to pour anything out for the sake of our friendship.


Love,

L

Heart.Feel.Love

Well, hello there.. its been long..

**cleaning all the dust away**

This entree i would like to write about my feelings..

Actually am a big fan of manga and love comics.

There is one comic makes me think.

Its been long I did not feel Love and Being Loved by a man.

Well i remember the last time i love too much is the forbidden love and i stepped away cos i know its wrong dating a married man.

And the last time a man loved me for who i am.. he is looooonnngggg gone (married) cos in the end.. man are still man. They choose who they think are wife material.

I know i wont be a very good lover as i am still a rebel/i actually have my own opinions (thanks to growing up alone)

But I dont really have been in a short term relationship. Cos shortest was 2 years together.

And now I have the mentality of “I am a proud mum to a 10 years old Son. Why would I need a man in life”

But after the manga..

I feel like i needed someone who really appreciates me, support me, “manja” me, love my son as his own etc etc. (Well his dad got married 2 years back.. guess i deserve a good life too)

I think i need to really find love.

I am 30 now with a 10 years old son.

Will I find the right guy?

I know God has plans for me. The thing is. Did I try hard enough to find his “plans” or I am actually sitting doing nothing now.

Its not about getting married.

Its all about someone that can be my soulmate, my lover, my companion, my advisor.

Everytime when I know someone that loves me so much. But i always thinks is he good enough for my son. (Reeaaaalllyyy makes me wanna just be a single mum for the rest of my life.. cos its tiring)

Guess I should start searching, open up my circle of friends. Well the older we get the less friend we have. Change in perspective. Change in life. Everything in life is about experience and changes right?  So lets see how it goes from now on.



From chubby but sweet,

Yuuki

My strenght is my weakness

Well hello there..

Its been long since i write anything here. I guess everytime when i felt my heart is aching to endure any more pain i will talk here. At least nk one knows or judge. Just a lil diary of mine. For me to speak out my mind.

This time round..  I guess I freak out with my decision. Like lifetime decisions. I actuallt made those decisions wayyy before i am writing it now.

First mistake was I childishly jumped into a relationship right after one. And again I was so easily trusting for that guy.. yeaa you will start sayong love is blind. Well i guess not.
He indeed is a good person. Despite on some attitude issues where i dont get along. When time passes by I told him to improve himself and I gave him one year for him to progress so that we can bring it to the next level. But well now is December and this are getting out of comtrol.

Second mistake was I took pity on him and invested alot on him. Dont worry he is not going to run away. But now its December and what should I do. I told him if he did not show any improvements we might want to stop seeing each other. But since I have invested and i dont know what to do.
If i let him go will he pay? I know he is a good person but well I dont trust humans with money even myself. Greed will mostly compromise our head to think rationaly.

So now I am stuck here alone. Dont really know what to do, what to say, what to i expect to happen in future.

I crawled out from suffer and I am not jumping it in again. So trust really is my weakness. I can easily trust a person. I really hope that my heartache will go off soon.



Love,
Me

Am I Capable?

Well, I dont feel like scream and shouting at anyone or to myself. So here I am again. Pouring out all my heart aches. 

Well in my story there is my wrong part where I was not well verse on the new implementations. 

But "you" shouldnt just call me in and freaking telling me that I am totally stupid or slow or dumb. 

The only thing is I did not prepare well enough thats all. But all your words just told me that I am here only for the money not the experience. Well most of it IS about the money. However I still need the experience for my future role/jobs. 

I do not have the brains that can remember some training from two months back. And will not be enough for me to just read. I need real assignments to implement then I know how it works. Nothing is base on the book. Everything is case to case basis. 

Well I think some people are heartless with the people they think we dont deserve here while being cheerful and considerate to them who lick ass bastard and the ones that you groom. You wouldnt want to find any mistakes from the person you groom because it will reflect on you. This shows how selfish you are as some in that position. 

Thanks so much that i start feeling job insecurity now 

Two more months I should consider to move.