Being a Support

Dear Blog,

I am here again to talk to you as I feel so lonely now.

I have no one to talk to daily now on how my day went or to care about another person's daily life.

One day he decided to just vanished leaving me there not knowing what happened.

I now feel like I am in a vast ocean holding on to a stone that is making the boat sail slower. I am doubting myself whether to throw the stone or just hang on to it with hope inside the stone are diamonds. But with the slow sailing boat I don't even know whether I can make it to the land.

I manage to get in touch with him but the feelings are different now when it hurts every time I receive an email from him. I feel like hanging on to it and also letting go. Maybe I just haven't just get used to the fact that I lost a friend to talk to, to love, to cry with, to care, and to celebrate all small achievements.

The content of the email actually told me why he went totally shut down. It was he was battling within himself mentally all the insecurities and jealousy from us being apart for so long now due to the pandemic. 

The mental issues were always there throughout us being together but when we both being apart for so long it all just gotten worst. I did feel the changes but I just shrugged it off. I have try my best to support him by being positive. But it seems like I lost the battle and now that to think that I might even loose him forever hurts. 

I know that if I don't let go of that stone it will eventually drown me because I am on a very fragile boat paddling through the vast ocean and I know deep down in me there is a little piece of hope. Hoping that I will manage to bring the stone with me, keeping it by my side and I will get the diamonds in it. Yet it might take months or even years for me to be there or it might only be an ordinary stone.

Blog,

Am I doing a mistake by not moving forward sooner? 

Should I still hang onto him?

I don't really know anymore. Should I let time heal me? but if I don't let go can I heal?

Will he be coming back to me if he "recovers" or he will be moving on with his life?

There are so many questions, so many insecurities.

Love,

Koala

Companion

Do you believe in Marriage?
Do you think you will have a kid in future?


Since I already have a son. I don’t really think of having another kid.
Marriage? I believe in companion. If there is a marriage or not its ok as long as the person i adore the most. Being at 31 (almost there) I do start to think more about finding the person who i can spend the rest of my life with. Its ok that we don’t have the same interest as long as both of us support each other.

I don’t mind having another kid if the person I adore wants one.  At least there is something that we share together. Regardless a long or short relationship. I really love being alone. But as the time past I do feel lonely from the inside. I would love to have someone that I can share everything like my daily  stories, get to be myself when I am with him, my passion, my interest and definitely the love.

Well, actually I thought I’ve met someone he has the traits that I want to be my companion. Long haired, tall, straight forward af, some nice sense in music, played drum. I knows its all external traits but we start to have an eye on the person is still due external traits first hand. So yes. I am too. I don’t really know him. But I know I am comfortable when I am with him. I get to be myself a lot more.

Unfortunately, I guess we are only meant to be friends. The longer into the friendship the clearer that he only wanted to be friends. Being me, i would not choose loosing a friend forever by telling how I feel but rather keeping him by my side as a friend that i adore. So the circle is here again. Always bumping my head towards a relationship that I felt like I want it but I always end up being too comfortable and scare of loosing him as a friend itself.

It does hurt me when I try to keep it to myself. Always. I am a coward as I come to think about it. I should have let myself go. What’s worst? Not being a friend anymore Or even the outcome will become the one that I have always wanted. The catch is the thoughts of not being able to see him again hurts. So I continue my cowardly journey until maybe 1 day I might get invited to his wedding which will be a very hard decision.

Dear Mister,
Just to let you know that I kinda think I like you. I don’t really know whether are there love but yes i like you. The idea of losing you and being ignored hurts. I don’t know is it you are trying to friendzone me but yea. That is how I feel.

P/s: I know that I always confess in my blog. But this is the only medium I use to rant my heart out.


Love,
YL

Debt

Dear blog,

I learnt the hard way that i should not sympathise people so easily.  This made me have debts carrying under my name.

Its ok. I will again try to stand up and finish the debt that I myself  given in the first place. No matter how long i will try to just finish everything.

I hate my current situation and i hope i will come out of it soon. Everything is everywhere. I dont know what to do or how to do. Guess i should pick up a part time job on February and start to earn more and pay everything.

I have no one to go to for help as its due to financial. No one will ever help. Especially a huge amount.

The only place that i can really pour out what my feeling is will always only be here.

Thanks for the life lesson that i will not forget.

Younger!!!

Dear diary,

Recently I went to an Island. I made new friends along the way. And there is one particular person who I am attracted to. He is sweet funny and encouraging.  The catch is? He was wayyyyyyyy younger. He is in his early 20s and me? Almost 30 (while writing this)

Its been long since this heart was interested in anyone. Well actually I think its the after effect of being too closed to him I presume. Well I am just writing this down to pour all my thoughts and feelings out. Because I will not talk to anyone about it and will not be able to know whether the feelings are real. Or its just a game of the mind and heart.

Its a warm of heart to know that i still have feelings to like/admire/love. I thought i will loose it when i turn 30. Well being this age i believe we look for relevant. Even me. I am looking for someone with a list of criteria. Little did I know that the most simplest act will melt the heart abit. Guess we never know how our feelings works.

But 1 thing for sure is we will not be together in any circumstances. Why? Guess he deserve a better person. Me? Alot of mistakes behind me and i do not want to drag someone that is not related to any of my problems. Not everyone accepts whatever happened and I believe he is still young with full potential to get someone suitable for him.

Being able to love someone and you cannot have that person? It hurts. Alot. Been there. Done that. I have been in those rocky relationship twice now. I love them like crazy and ended up being the second option. Guess knowing this new guy gave me the same feelings i had for the past 2 experiences. And even noticed that most guys that came in between were almost like a rebound. Its unfair to them but i did love them much but my heart can easily change. Only those two person manage to make me love them and it hurts everytime I remember how much I loved them before.

There was one time that this guy texted me again and the heart was so happy. Even after we stop seeing each other. I still believe in love but the heart slowly became hard on the outside but too fragile on the inside which scares me to even love again.

Hey young guy, I have feelings for you.  I cant say that am in love. But I know I wanna have you. I will always see you as my buddy. So dont worry. I wont try to pour anything out for the sake of our friendship.


Love,

L

Heart.Feel.Love

Well, hello there.. its been long..

**cleaning all the dust away**

This entree i would like to write about my feelings..

Actually am a big fan of manga and love comics.

There is one comic makes me think.

Its been long I did not feel Love and Being Loved by a man.

Well i remember the last time i love too much is the forbidden love and i stepped away cos i know its wrong dating a married man.

And the last time a man loved me for who i am.. he is looooonnngggg gone (married) cos in the end.. man are still man. They choose who they think are wife material.

I know i wont be a very good lover as i am still a rebel/i actually have my own opinions (thanks to growing up alone)

But I dont really have been in a short term relationship. Cos shortest was 2 years together.

And now I have the mentality of “I am a proud mum to a 10 years old Son. Why would I need a man in life”

But after the manga..

I feel like i needed someone who really appreciates me, support me, “manja” me, love my son as his own etc etc. (Well his dad got married 2 years back.. guess i deserve a good life too)

I think i need to really find love.

I am 30 now with a 10 years old son.

Will I find the right guy?

I know God has plans for me. The thing is. Did I try hard enough to find his “plans” or I am actually sitting doing nothing now.

Its not about getting married.

Its all about someone that can be my soulmate, my lover, my companion, my advisor.

Everytime when I know someone that loves me so much. But i always thinks is he good enough for my son. (Reeaaaalllyyy makes me wanna just be a single mum for the rest of my life.. cos its tiring)

Guess I should start searching, open up my circle of friends. Well the older we get the less friend we have. Change in perspective. Change in life. Everything in life is about experience and changes right?  So lets see how it goes from now on.



From chubby but sweet,

Yuuki

My strenght is my weakness

Well hello there..

Its been long since i write anything here. I guess everytime when i felt my heart is aching to endure any more pain i will talk here. At least nk one knows or judge. Just a lil diary of mine. For me to speak out my mind.

This time round..  I guess I freak out with my decision. Like lifetime decisions. I actuallt made those decisions wayyy before i am writing it now.

First mistake was I childishly jumped into a relationship right after one. And again I was so easily trusting for that guy.. yeaa you will start sayong love is blind. Well i guess not.
He indeed is a good person. Despite on some attitude issues where i dont get along. When time passes by I told him to improve himself and I gave him one year for him to progress so that we can bring it to the next level. But well now is December and this are getting out of comtrol.

Second mistake was I took pity on him and invested alot on him. Dont worry he is not going to run away. But now its December and what should I do. I told him if he did not show any improvements we might want to stop seeing each other. But since I have invested and i dont know what to do.
If i let him go will he pay? I know he is a good person but well I dont trust humans with money even myself. Greed will mostly compromise our head to think rationaly.

So now I am stuck here alone. Dont really know what to do, what to say, what to i expect to happen in future.

I crawled out from suffer and I am not jumping it in again. So trust really is my weakness. I can easily trust a person. I really hope that my heartache will go off soon.



Love,
Me

Am I Capable?

Well, I dont feel like scream and shouting at anyone or to myself. So here I am again. Pouring out all my heart aches. 

Well in my story there is my wrong part where I was not well verse on the new implementations. 

But "you" shouldnt just call me in and freaking telling me that I am totally stupid or slow or dumb. 

The only thing is I did not prepare well enough thats all. But all your words just told me that I am here only for the money not the experience. Well most of it IS about the money. However I still need the experience for my future role/jobs. 

I do not have the brains that can remember some training from two months back. And will not be enough for me to just read. I need real assignments to implement then I know how it works. Nothing is base on the book. Everything is case to case basis. 

Well I think some people are heartless with the people they think we dont deserve here while being cheerful and considerate to them who lick ass bastard and the ones that you groom. You wouldnt want to find any mistakes from the person you groom because it will reflect on you. This shows how selfish you are as some in that position. 

Thanks so much that i start feeling job insecurity now 

Two more months I should consider to move. 

My soul

Today..
I am very happy..
I never been happier since the last weekend..
Dear son, i am so proud of you..
I am so sorry that i was not there for you when you needed me the most
Wait for me to be back on May ok?
I have a token of achiement for you..
I love you dear son to the moon and back..


Jumping to another story..
I dont mind if i am not married for the time being..
After getting to know it was so great to be a mum when your son takes over what you love to do most..
Well, part of it i dont think so that there are many of them will accept me as what i am.. My status..
If there were.. Is there a person that will accept both of us?
If no i dont mind being single til the day i die..
If it was written thats my fate.. I will accept it..


I will wait for you.. My prince.. (Although i dont know who you are)


I am done with putting too much hopes and thoughts on this..


Sorry to those people that i've hurt..
Thanks to those people that have opened my eyes


Am good alone... Really?

Korean Drama overacting me

Good morning bloggers!! Well i know its 1am in the morning but..i kinda miss blogging so tadaaaaa..am back..well i know no one misses me actually..

Last year was not my year eventually..
Impact til now..
Still finding solutions to my problems
But i notice this is how i've learnt how difficult life could be..
I am more appreciating my life now..

Actually I have no idea what to write about..
Well lets just say I finished watching a korean series that triggers the heartache in me and let me back here.. (I should have been more careful of those series..)

I know that i really miss my boyfie.. But deep down in me there is someone that i miss but i couldnt recall who.. (Its just the impact of the series..overacting me)
I think i just missed being held by someone during my ups and downs.. The comfort feelings that makes be misses it the most..
After that korean series session i felt kinda lonely (age factor.. Please go get married soon)..

Just to convey this message.. To you the person that I miss..your touch, the way you pampered me, your eyes.. I really miss you..

After the incident last year (2015), i think i became the person where I am when I was a kid.. Being alone is my fortè. I stopped liking to hang around that often anymore.. But i tried very hard to just force myself being the normal me.. By the end of the day i felt too exhausted being to think of others.
I even heard my friends says I sigh alot during my sleeps.. Is it the everyday stress causing this? Well i even sleep talking.. Last year it became frequent. As long as I am too tired that day i will start sighing or sleep talking.. I hope it is lesser now..

To all readers, til then....


Shall we meet again in other times


Love,
Yuuki

Trust

I met a guy..
Trusting him..
Yet...
I just found out..
He actually lied to me bout his name.
Even though its as simple as a name
But, why you have to lie in the first place.

Trusting him is a big mistake.
Now I don't really know which is true and which is not.
I hate being like this cos I like the person.
And now, good bye to him.

Actually in the first place when I asked for his name and he told.
I was a little bit suspicious.
But I just let it me because we just met.
Yesterday, he left his wallet with me. So to kill my curiousity I went to see his IC.
Unfortunately, it was as what I thought in the first place.
Sorry for the inappropriate act where looking at people's IC without their permission
But this shows that God wanna show me his true self.

Thanks God for showing me this.
I will appreciate people who be sincere with me more than people who lied to me even just the name.

To him,
Nice knowing you. You are a good guy but please stop being like this.
Good bye for now friend(or not anymore)
Take lessons from this.
Adios


Me
Yuuki

I donno

Hello my dear bloggers...

Long time no see yall

Me is back..haha

Hurm...

Well, basically I write because I have heart issues.
This time..hey...I am being left alone by him..
Let me refresh.. It was him that I can't really be with him from my previous post.

Anyway, now I start to feel I am left out..
Alone..
Being thrown away..
Feeling like I am in faraway ocean
Being drift away miles
Alone.....

Everyday I am expecting his call or text..
I felt like a stupid person awaiting something which won't really happen..
I am not mentally disorder. Just because of Love.
I miss being with him
I miss more being myself
In times when I want to walk away.
I will end up still awaits..
I don't really know why..
I know there won't be a chance
Yet I chose a path where to hurt myself more everyday
I tried being with someone else
But those feelings are not the same

Day and night, hours minutes seconds,
I think I am the one who usually look for him
I will start to text him when for me is too long he went missing..
Now a days he manage to get himself on Facebook.
I saw him in recommended friends but I did not add him cause I know if I add him I will be more hurt than now.
What I can do is just to see from far
I tried my best every time when I see something unpleasant I tell myself not to cry
Be a strong women as how your history teaches you.

I hope I can end this. Can anyone be the person who awaken me from my dreams?
My prince charming...

-Love-

Yuuki

Its Time

I think its time..
Its time for me to back off
I waited for this time for 6 months..
and it has arrived..
I do feel sad..
Leaving it behind is not something that I would like to do
But in the current situation..
It will be the best thing to do..
Loving him is giving him peace..
Loving him is also letting him go..
Loving him is to make sure he is happy with his current life..
(I know its all about talk...to feel it..I feel like taking a knife just stab into my heart)
But what to do..
Life still must go on..
I pray for you the best..
You can be a good father..
A good husband..
Without me your life is still the same.
Still colourful..As always..
I know..Always knew it..
But I was naive to still believe in our love (suppose my love/feelings?)
And eventually it just hit me that its gonna end..soon..
And apparently the time just came..30/9/2014..
The time...the time for me to go...
Letting go of you is not that I don't love you anymore..
Like I said earlier.. Sometimes you won't even know what is the best for you..
So as me..I will show what will be the best for you..
As I leave..I will leave quietly..
I will thank god for sending you to me..
Even its just a while..
I know some day I will find the right person..
I know I am strong..
I know I can do it (hope so)
Being silent is the best way to make you forget me..
Being silent is also the best way for me to back up...
I wont be with you any longer
I've tried my best on finding ways to pull back for these few weeks..
Include changing my job..not my number obviously..Cos it makes no sense to change number because of a guy..
Til we meet again my love..


I know I am strong,

YuukiLee

Today...two post..
whatever..
why do I write here?
Am too heart broken now
I have no friends to talk to about me at this hour (12AM)

Most of my post I were talking about how much I love him
What I hope with him
I need to stay strong to back off..
bla bla bla

But I just notice today..
The more I do anything to push him away..the more I love him
The more I try to change my mindset for us to become friends.. The more I miss and love him
When I behave like nothing happens...He will suddenly appear and spark the feelings
When I tried to talked him out to let me go...apparently he wont..

This is the first time in my life where I don't get the person I love..
It damn hurts
And usually I tell people that "Love is not just about being with each other..sometimes we need to learn to let go"..
Now when it happen to me..I am lost..its hard (freaking hard) to let go..

Sometimes I question God, why I am tested like this..
In the same time...I know that God have his plan...
I hope I am strong enough to walk through this test created by God to me..
One of the toughest test for me..

I really do miss the whole of you..
And when I notice that I am tooooooooo deeply in love with you is that..I see no wrong in you (not to say no wrong..I dont really get mad in what you do..and I will always forgive)
Its been eating me inside out for more than 6 months already..guess another less than 6 months I can celebrate my 1st anniversary of heartache..

Why am I so loving you?
You are not a good person..I know what you did..
I know no one is perfect..
But..everything on you...physically and attitude and mentally..
Is all I am craving for..you are my type of guy
And I know...God will not pair us up with the person of your preference.

Everyday I will be loving and missing him more..
I just hope we really can be together..
I still have time..to wait..as long as I am willingly to wait..

Love,
Me

Beside

What means by beside?
Hoho..today...on a public holiday..and i yem werking... Gosh..

Hmm..ok..dont complaint much cos we get up to triple pay...and since its public holiday not much work to do..

Ok..what is beside..
Beside me is him..today i sat next to him
Oh..why? I dont know.. i thought i said i wanna run far away from him

Looking at him every second is breaking my heart piece by piece..
Today since i am too much broken...i tend to annoy him..much..
I hope those annoys him alot...
Cos its too hurting when it is breaking off piece by piece..

This shows how much i love him and how much i want to avoid him..
How much i want to be away from him..
How much i think its me who needs to back off..

If only i have the courage to do what i think i gonna do...huhu...
Damn i hate myself this weak..
Its just not so me..
I guess its been long when i sincerely love someone..

Dear god o mighty..i pray for courage to walk away from him..the person u sent to let me know what is love again...

~me in my own world~

Decision

What decision?
Opportunity cost..
So..which are best for me..

Hmmm
Ok..its time to back off lil by lil
Its killing me myself n i i guess
Yes he keeps telling me that he loves me..keeps reminding me that he loves me always..
But..what i have learnt from the past..
Love is not to conquer...
Love is to appreciate
Sometimes love needs sacrifies..
I will still be loving him..
But..I think...(dont really know for how many times)..its time to move on
Yes i love him..alot..so much...were most of the guys dont really got it from me..
Overwhelming love..and because of that its killing me..
I have to learn to stay strong..maybe step by step to leave him...
It will hurt me more than hurting him..i suppose..
Well..cos i kinda know the outcome of our relationship..rather than keep being like this...i rather to move on...but is freaking hard..
I just hope that i will get some other opportunity where i wont be seeing him anymore..that will keep both us calm and think about our feelings i guess..
I think its time to voice it out what and where shall i bring this relationship..
No heart feelings...
But..can i do it..am i strong enough to let go the feelings?
Shall i walk step by step
Shall i be firm with my decision
Should i think of his feelings?
The weak part of me is...i do think of others feelings and that makes me love the person so much...
Decision...so..which should i choose?

*me me me*

The moment...

The moment when i notice no one can be in my heart except you

The moment when you told me you love me

The moment you asked me to marry you when both us are ready

The moment I know that you are prone to get women fall for you

The moment you made me laugh, hate, cry, pissed off with and for you

The moment that you told me "do let me know if you have someone else anytime...i do want you and i dont care" because you know out there, there are more guys which are much more better than you

The moment you giving me hope (either true or false)

The moment I decided to still love you

The moment that I notice I cant leave you anymore

The moment when I say I love you

And is the moment that I hope I will be officially yours whenever you are ready


I Love You so much....
I dont know what fate that we will have
But I know if we dont try there wont be any result
You made me cant stop loving you even for a second
And I hope you do remember me in your heart even when we dont meet often..
Remember me in your prayers...
And always love me even we are so close yet so far...


Love
-me-

Sincerely
-for you-

Emotional

Yuhuuu my beloved blog...and bloggers who is reading my post (I bet no one does because the stats shows..LOL) Nevermind.. I just write here so that I can tell everything without hiding..Friends? am lack of true true friend. So..here I am.. posting for nobody..haha

Anyway..in conjunction with the title..
This week is a very emotional week.. all types of emotion.
At first..confuse..whether for me to still love him or not..
but then I got the answer to continue loving him..don't really know until when..(hurm..just go with the flow yuuki...go with the flow)

After I got the answer.. I was panic..cos I notice my period was late..
Then I asked him.. What If? He answered, our baby will be very cute.. (I was like..u seriously with our current situation?)
Even though I don't wanna have a child with our current relationship dilemma but deep down in my heart I actually wanted a baby with him.. LOL
I noticed this when I had my period today (why am I telling this in my blog? whatever..just expressing my feelings)
I felt so disappointed then I noticed that I actually did hope for a baby deep down in my heart..

Then is today... I am officially a student again. Yey!!!..
I registered my name for my MBA course and I can see the new hectic me after this since I am doing part time. Frankly speaking it will be VERY hard to work and study. But since I took up the challenge so...GOOD luck Yuuki. God bless the future of me.

And now am thinking again...
I won't be able to go anywhere for at least 18 months since there wont be any semester break (ok..its only 1 week) so..I CAN go for a short trip. But I prefer going back to hometown to visit my granny..
But I still need a break right.. hmm..
OK.. lets decide that later..Owh my dear Tioman, Phuket, Krabi (money)


Love,
Yuuki

i've tried

I've tried hard to live this life for myself, my family and my friends..i live the fullest..and i hope that i can tell myself i can live without u..
After so long..yet i still need your presents..everytime either am home or outside hanging out..hanging out with friends..travels..i will be thinking "if only" u were around..
I dont really know whether will i have the chance.. i know you are now facing a hard time.. and i think among us who are involved including yourself wont be feeling what i feel now.. I know love is always blind.. I came to fell in love with you at the wrong time. This makes me sick.. I wanna have you just all to me.. but I know i cant have it unless something miracle happens.. I tried my best to continue my life..not to live with your sayings your words.. but it became a rutin or I can say the power of love kept those words you told me in my heart rather than my mind and due to that i cant move on.
Sometimes i feel like you dont treat me fairly but i know you cant.. you are virtually not mine at all.. most of the time i feel like i am dreaming.. loving living and crying in the dream with you in it.. Loving someone that you know that you cant be having them 100% for the rest of your life hurts. Everyone wants a complete family. And if i dont stop loving you or you dont wanna let me go.. I am afraid that i will end up being that someone who waited for the guy where she obviously knows he wont make the move... Might be he is just playing around with me.. but am happy and i dont know why.. well thats what they said..

Love is blind..

Birthday

So today marks myself turning into 25 years old. 

I guess this birthday brings back memories. I celebrated with my family after for almost 5 years I stayed outside busy with classes and work. I love my family very much and I pray for their health always.

Today, I decided to be alone its actually not because I wanna be "alone" but I am reserving my time for him. The whole day I waited for his call and at last he called me around 3pm. Wished me happy birthday.. din promise me to meet up..So I came back disappointed but I am still hoping.. (well I always hopes to see him..everyday).. I was laying down on my bed thinking and praying that I will meet up with him today...and yes..he called me and confirmed that he will drop by..

I was soooo happy.. indescribable.. He drop by wishes me..I don't really mind not having a present (actually I do..cos I want something to reminds me of him since I dont know when will be the next time for me to see him) I manage to persuade myself saying that I am happy because he showed up even just for few hours..

I thought that I forgotten him..but I believe its a no..I am still crazily in love with him (I manage to control my feelings now I guess because I put my faith to God) 

Owh...another thing..

yippi I will be furthering my MBA...yeyyy..

best birthday gift ever I guess..

:)

will start my class on 8/9/2014

and I think I wont be meeting him much then.. cos I can only meet him during weekdays (now). I will be having classes until 9.30pm during weekdays and he wont/cant meet me during weekends. So I think I might want to have to again persuade myself to stay away from him...AGAIN and I hope this time I succeed.

Studying is more important now..I can't give up me and my family's hope..

My goal for my birthday

*study smart

*stay healthy

*pump the abs and hips up

*makes him jealous and regret to keep my in shape (we'll see the outcome later)

Before I log off.. good nite my friends around the world..

 

So...He actually went missing for 5 days and at last he called me..

I was going to give him 2 weeks grace period if I do not receive any calls I will totally shut my heart for him.

But...after 5 days he gave me a call and I felt like we are FAR...

Maybe I already close half of my heart to accept him already..

Or its just a feeling where I him to be with me..

Hmm...

So, he promised me to see me on Monday..

We just wait and see what will happen.

Nite people