Meroyan Lagi

Meroyan LAGIIIIII
adoi...smpi bile nk meroyan pon xtau la..
ni da second time meroyan da..
Kenape la aku syg sgt kt dier ni wei..
bkn aku dpt ape dri dier pon..

bodoh la ko ni...hmm

aku rase hati aku ni terbelah kepada dua da ni..
sebelah evil me..sebelah good me..
dorg da mcm bertumbuk kt dlm kate nk syg dier or tak...da mcm ape da..
kalau la aku bleh btau dier skng kan best...
at least dier tau ape aku rase..
tp.........
mcm xgune gak..
ape dier nk buat?
dier hanye mampu mendengar..aku ni spe je..smpi skng aku dok terpikir...smpi ke mne mcm ni...
the evil me kate tkut sgt kehilangan dier..aku nk dier smpi bile2...
tp the good me keep saying...lepaskan la dier...xbaek kacau hak org....
berperang mereka dua dlm hati...
kesudahannyer nanges sorg2...sbb cant cope up dgn feeling sendiri...

Dugaan yg sgt berat...dan aku xtau smpi bile...apekah dier jodoh ku?
takdir, jodoh, ajal, maut sume ditgn Tuhan..

Mungkin ini adalah cara utk aku berfikiran matang dan juga menduga kesabaran aku dan membuat keputusan yg terbaek...
cmne nk buat keputusan terbaek klu masih berperang dlm hati...
hmmm...................
tak dinafikan syg aku kt dier mmg kuat...smpi satu tahap aku xnk lepaskan dier...
still...who am i to him?
xde org akan tau melainkan dier je..
klu aku tnyer pon....kite xtau jawapan btul ke tak..
Dan aku tak nak diberi harapan yang palsu..
Sbbkan cinta ini aku takut aku akan jatuh pada harapan yang palsu (sekiranya palsu la)
Sampai bila?

Persoalan terbaru dalam pemikiran ku...
SAMPAI BILAKAH?


-Clumsy-Me

Why ah?

Aloha people..
After trying and trying..I am still in love with him
ok..that is not a good sign..

person who cant be with me 24/7 for the rest of my life..no use of keeping..
but why am I still in love with him?
He is kinda too good to be true.
"who am I really to u?"
I don't really know should  I love or should I not love u..
when I love you it hurts me cos I know I wont get all of you..
when choose to not love you..you keep popping in my mind and it turned around to I still love you

I can choose to be with you..
But I pity myself..
I grew up alone..YES I have siblings cousins and so on
but most of the time its me and my granny..
I don't have family experience at all...
If I choose to be with you..I can't feel it also..cos I know you won't be around most of the days..or maybe half of the day..
I will still end up being alone maybe with our kids..
but what happen to the love I seek..
I know you love me..but being apart..hmm..
I've gone through a lot for me to think about marriage..married to someone that wont be with me...
I want someone who can be there for me everyday..except all the outstations bla bla bla
I really do want to feel a family feeling..

argghh...I hate myself now a days..but I choose to say I hate you in my text..cos..deep in my heart I do hate you too actually..cos why did you turn up later and why not earlier.. :(

sometimes I am thinking am I being fooled around?
hurm..shall ask him one of the days.

*beingaloneisnotagoodthing*

but sometimes we need to have alone time..

Speechless

At first I wanted to write the story how I feel for the person...but..bad news came to me before even I started writing here.

OK. my most trusted boyfriend cheated on me. Actually I am not SO shock on this news when someone told me the story. Its like I was expecting it just that its a gamble. Even though its hard to stay calm but I manage. Part of it might be my fault because gave him less attention now a days. Also, am in love with someone else. Which I can't get obviously. But still..he can't just use my trust to go cheat around. What ever..its ok..now I am thinking how to catch the fox.
Should I or should I not?
I dont know what will be my response if I really catch them.

By the way, I am actually mad with my friend. Why did he cover up for him?
Hey people, I thought I know you longer than you know him.
I guess I got a wrong type of friend.
I still can handle my emotion as of now.

Just don't let me catch it or you will get a nice one from me. I don't mind being single and I don't mind loosing this type of friend.

Trust me..you don't really know who the real me is.
Haven seen me mad before right?
Maybe next week?
This week am too busy to even think of this issue actually. I will go with the flow until my emotions cant be hold anymore. Then you will know how it is.

Enough of writing tonight. I don't know what time I will sleep. Damn am working morning.
So..

Nite nite allz,
The pissed off Me

Of Topic

Yuhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu,

Today I had a lot of fun outing with my ex colleague..
We are like a family..even though we don't work together anymore still they will invite + force me to any function they organizing..
I felt so appreciated. Since it can consider as 1 of my first job after graduation still I did made good friends and boss

Ok..on the other side of my head..I was trying to run away from me thinking of him..
hmm...I wonder how he thinks..I do really wanna know..
How is he today?
Guess I will know only by tomorrow.
*smiles*

Shall I make a stupid move again?
I do really wanna ask him. But I am not even anything to him. Ok..just friends..
Hurts hurts hurts..

Due to my past I felt like marriage can be put aside first *even I haven got married yet..might be of the stupid abuse*
But after meeting him..I feel like I really need someone by my side to care bout me. *I hope is him..well..it won't be eventually*
Guess I've grew up alone..now I hope the other part of me can show me what is family..What are the feelings..I really need a man not a boy..am sick and tired of it.
*Thats why I fell in love with him..he is a man*
With him I feel peace in my heart..I don't really know why...

guess...that might be the story..

If only I knew you earlier...maybe we aren't meant to be with each other...


Tiring day
nite2..
Love,
Me

Decision

Did I made a wrong decision?

I told him everything about me..the past..
I'm scared of loosing him.But he should know too if he really likes me..
Since I already told...I just pray that its a right decision..
But if lets say he can't accept it..well..I know that he is not the right person..

I really wonder how he feels.
Yes I told him
He do not have any response in his face..
He was not shock at all. Like some of my friends does.
He told me "I was not shock at all cos I have alot of friends like you.."
Unfortunately I did not have the courage to ask how he feels after I told him.
Anyway...its to someone that I should not have loved.
I guess I might be ok if he do not accept me..
hurm..

Hey YOU, how do you feel after I told you?
Do you think you will like me?
If only you know how much I  love you..hurm..
I know its hard/not possible to earn your love..but..
EVEN if I said that nevermind I can survive with that but way far in the heart I still hope I can be yours forever...

Forever yours,
Me

Near but Far

Wuhuu..
Today is a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG day...

Spent over 12 hours outside the house..now I feel like no more energy in my body even after KFC..

So..about today's topic..Near but Far..why?
I spend also 12 hours with him so its near..but why far...because...I cant do anything to him..I feel like holding his hands..walking through the people that we passed by. But since we are 3 of us so..I did not take any action..so...he is near me but the feeling is like being each of us in different part of the world.
Yes i admit that its a dream only to walk openly with him holding hands..where I can freely hug him..or even kiss him..

Eventhough I do not have any time with you just the two of us. But today makes me happy..cos I see your face for a longgggggg time.. :)

dear A,
Luv you much...(keeping in the heart only)

When he thinks I'm too rough

Yesterday......
Mental breakdown for me..cried the whole night thinking of him..Then in the morning I sent him a text..even though we are just sitting next to each other. I wanted to tell him directly but can't. Since its in the office and I couldn't find a suitable place and time to say it to him. So, the text sounded like this:
"Hey there, just dropping by to say I love you so much and its killing me from the inside..wanted to tell you face to face..but..nvrmind..today need to be alone for a while..just to keep myself on track..or maybe to love you less :-P .. that's also one of the reason I can't sleep"

Well..after sending that text..he did gave me some space to let me get back on track..no more teasing me and so on..although I missed it but..just to love him less..I have to put some gap between us I guess..

I wonder do you really love me as me or its just to persuade me?
Shall I ask this question?
I'll wait for the right time.

Today..
Due to yesterday's thingy..I actually acted rough and boyish today..And he noticed..
Asked me why..I just said simply..
If only I can tell you sincerely..I act rough because of you..I don't wanna fall too deep for you (its already real deep)..When I act rough maybe you will talk to me less..because I know you prefer girlish girls..

If only you knew I've changed some of me for you..
Love really change people it seems..
I hate loving because I will start following what the person says..
As what you always ask me not to do I will try to not do it..
If I don't love you I guess I don't give a Damn..because one of my living quotes are..I don't give a damn what people think of me..I am transparent enough as a person..


I hope that all goes well.. I hope that I can get my heart back...because eventually my heart is attached to him..DEAR HEART, PLEASE COME BACK TO ME..I know that I deserve someone better..but..in the mean time I haven't found anyone yet..A friend told me.."hey..I've seen you suffer too much because of love..try getting someone who loves you more and you will be happy" .. but for me..loving and loving back the person is better because both will appreciate each other.

Note: Dear A, please give me back my heart..be sincere to me..I don't mind the heart is given back in pieces..as long as you give me back...I am strong enough to stand up again since I've gone through many times...try saying some mean words to me..since you can't love me back..or simple says..we can't be in any relationship..please..don't treat my heart too well..smash it if you have to...I know I can glue it back..and the feelings for you will be locked way down..

Love,
Stupid Girl