Debt

Dear blog,

I learnt the hard way that i should not sympathise people so easily.  This made me have debts carrying under my name.

Its ok. I will again try to stand up and finish the debt that I myself  given in the first place. No matter how long i will try to just finish everything.

I hate my current situation and i hope i will come out of it soon. Everything is everywhere. I dont know what to do or how to do. Guess i should pick up a part time job on February and start to earn more and pay everything.

I have no one to go to for help as its due to financial. No one will ever help. Especially a huge amount.

The only place that i can really pour out what my feeling is will always only be here.

Thanks for the life lesson that i will not forget.

Younger!!!

Dear diary,

Recently I went to an Island. I made new friends along the way. And there is one particular person who I am attracted to. He is sweet funny and encouraging.  The catch is? He was wayyyyyyyy younger. He is in his early 20s and me? Almost 30 (while writing this)

Its been long since this heart was interested in anyone. Well actually I think its the after effect of being too closed to him I presume. Well I am just writing this down to pour all my thoughts and feelings out. Because I will not talk to anyone about it and will not be able to know whether the feelings are real. Or its just a game of the mind and heart.

Its a warm of heart to know that i still have feelings to like/admire/love. I thought i will loose it when i turn 30. Well being this age i believe we look for relevant. Even me. I am looking for someone with a list of criteria. Little did I know that the most simplest act will melt the heart abit. Guess we never know how our feelings works.

But 1 thing for sure is we will not be together in any circumstances. Why? Guess he deserve a better person. Me? Alot of mistakes behind me and i do not want to drag someone that is not related to any of my problems. Not everyone accepts whatever happened and I believe he is still young with full potential to get someone suitable for him.

Being able to love someone and you cannot have that person? It hurts. Alot. Been there. Done that. I have been in those rocky relationship twice now. I love them like crazy and ended up being the second option. Guess knowing this new guy gave me the same feelings i had for the past 2 experiences. And even noticed that most guys that came in between were almost like a rebound. Its unfair to them but i did love them much but my heart can easily change. Only those two person manage to make me love them and it hurts everytime I remember how much I loved them before.

There was one time that this guy texted me again and the heart was so happy. Even after we stop seeing each other. I still believe in love but the heart slowly became hard on the outside but too fragile on the inside which scares me to even love again.

Hey young guy, I have feelings for you.  I cant say that am in love. But I know I wanna have you. I will always see you as my buddy. So dont worry. I wont try to pour anything out for the sake of our friendship.


Love,

L

Heart.Feel.Love

Well, hello there.. its been long..

**cleaning all the dust away**

This entree i would like to write about my feelings..

Actually am a big fan of manga and love comics.

There is one comic makes me think.

Its been long I did not feel Love and Being Loved by a man.

Well i remember the last time i love too much is the forbidden love and i stepped away cos i know its wrong dating a married man.

And the last time a man loved me for who i am.. he is looooonnngggg gone (married) cos in the end.. man are still man. They choose who they think are wife material.

I know i wont be a very good lover as i am still a rebel/i actually have my own opinions (thanks to growing up alone)

But I dont really have been in a short term relationship. Cos shortest was 2 years together.

And now I have the mentality of “I am a proud mum to a 10 years old Son. Why would I need a man in life”

But after the manga..

I feel like i needed someone who really appreciates me, support me, “manja” me, love my son as his own etc etc. (Well his dad got married 2 years back.. guess i deserve a good life too)

I think i need to really find love.

I am 30 now with a 10 years old son.

Will I find the right guy?

I know God has plans for me. The thing is. Did I try hard enough to find his “plans” or I am actually sitting doing nothing now.

Its not about getting married.

Its all about someone that can be my soulmate, my lover, my companion, my advisor.

Everytime when I know someone that loves me so much. But i always thinks is he good enough for my son. (Reeaaaalllyyy makes me wanna just be a single mum for the rest of my life.. cos its tiring)

Guess I should start searching, open up my circle of friends. Well the older we get the less friend we have. Change in perspective. Change in life. Everything in life is about experience and changes right?  So lets see how it goes from now on.



From chubby but sweet,

Yuuki

My strenght is my weakness

Well hello there..

Its been long since i write anything here. I guess everytime when i felt my heart is aching to endure any more pain i will talk here. At least nk one knows or judge. Just a lil diary of mine. For me to speak out my mind.

This time round..  I guess I freak out with my decision. Like lifetime decisions. I actuallt made those decisions wayyy before i am writing it now.

First mistake was I childishly jumped into a relationship right after one. And again I was so easily trusting for that guy.. yeaa you will start sayong love is blind. Well i guess not.
He indeed is a good person. Despite on some attitude issues where i dont get along. When time passes by I told him to improve himself and I gave him one year for him to progress so that we can bring it to the next level. But well now is December and this are getting out of comtrol.

Second mistake was I took pity on him and invested alot on him. Dont worry he is not going to run away. But now its December and what should I do. I told him if he did not show any improvements we might want to stop seeing each other. But since I have invested and i dont know what to do.
If i let him go will he pay? I know he is a good person but well I dont trust humans with money even myself. Greed will mostly compromise our head to think rationaly.

So now I am stuck here alone. Dont really know what to do, what to say, what to i expect to happen in future.

I crawled out from suffer and I am not jumping it in again. So trust really is my weakness. I can easily trust a person. I really hope that my heartache will go off soon.



Love,
Me

Am I Capable?

Well, I dont feel like scream and shouting at anyone or to myself. So here I am again. Pouring out all my heart aches. 

Well in my story there is my wrong part where I was not well verse on the new implementations. 

But "you" shouldnt just call me in and freaking telling me that I am totally stupid or slow or dumb. 

The only thing is I did not prepare well enough thats all. But all your words just told me that I am here only for the money not the experience. Well most of it IS about the money. However I still need the experience for my future role/jobs. 

I do not have the brains that can remember some training from two months back. And will not be enough for me to just read. I need real assignments to implement then I know how it works. Nothing is base on the book. Everything is case to case basis. 

Well I think some people are heartless with the people they think we dont deserve here while being cheerful and considerate to them who lick ass bastard and the ones that you groom. You wouldnt want to find any mistakes from the person you groom because it will reflect on you. This shows how selfish you are as some in that position. 

Thanks so much that i start feeling job insecurity now 

Two more months I should consider to move. 

My soul

Today..
I am very happy..
I never been happier since the last weekend..
Dear son, i am so proud of you..
I am so sorry that i was not there for you when you needed me the most
Wait for me to be back on May ok?
I have a token of achiement for you..
I love you dear son to the moon and back..


Jumping to another story..
I dont mind if i am not married for the time being..
After getting to know it was so great to be a mum when your son takes over what you love to do most..
Well, part of it i dont think so that there are many of them will accept me as what i am.. My status..
If there were.. Is there a person that will accept both of us?
If no i dont mind being single til the day i die..
If it was written thats my fate.. I will accept it..


I will wait for you.. My prince.. (Although i dont know who you are)


I am done with putting too much hopes and thoughts on this..


Sorry to those people that i've hurt..
Thanks to those people that have opened my eyes


Am good alone... Really?

Korean Drama overacting me

Good morning bloggers!! Well i know its 1am in the morning but..i kinda miss blogging so tadaaaaa..am back..well i know no one misses me actually..

Last year was not my year eventually..
Impact til now..
Still finding solutions to my problems
But i notice this is how i've learnt how difficult life could be..
I am more appreciating my life now..

Actually I have no idea what to write about..
Well lets just say I finished watching a korean series that triggers the heartache in me and let me back here.. (I should have been more careful of those series..)

I know that i really miss my boyfie.. But deep down in me there is someone that i miss but i couldnt recall who.. (Its just the impact of the series..overacting me)
I think i just missed being held by someone during my ups and downs.. The comfort feelings that makes be misses it the most..
After that korean series session i felt kinda lonely (age factor.. Please go get married soon)..

Just to convey this message.. To you the person that I miss..your touch, the way you pampered me, your eyes.. I really miss you..

After the incident last year (2015), i think i became the person where I am when I was a kid.. Being alone is my fortè. I stopped liking to hang around that often anymore.. But i tried very hard to just force myself being the normal me.. By the end of the day i felt too exhausted being to think of others.
I even heard my friends says I sigh alot during my sleeps.. Is it the everyday stress causing this? Well i even sleep talking.. Last year it became frequent. As long as I am too tired that day i will start sighing or sleep talking.. I hope it is lesser now..

To all readers, til then....


Shall we meet again in other times


Love,
Yuuki