Thursday, 30 November 2017

Am I Capable?

Well, I dont feel like scream and shouting at anyone or to myself. So here I am again. Pouring out all my heart aches. 

Well in my story there is my wrong part where I was not well verse on the new implementations. 

But "you" shouldnt just call me in and freaking telling me that I am totally stupid or slow or dumb. 

The only thing is I did not prepare well enough thats all. But all your words just told me that I am here only for the money not the experience. Well most of it IS about the money. However I still need the experience for my future role/jobs. 

I do not have the brains that can remember some training from two months back. And will not be enough for me to just read. I need real assignments to implement then I know how it works. Nothing is base on the book. Everything is case to case basis. 

Well I think some people are heartless with the people they think we dont deserve here while being cheerful and considerate to them who lick ass bastard and the ones that you groom. You wouldnt want to find any mistakes from the person you groom because it will reflect on you. This shows how selfish you are as some in that position. 

Thanks so much that i start feeling job insecurity now 

Two more months I should consider to move. 

Monday, 28 March 2016

My soul

I am very happy..
I never been happier since the last weekend..
Dear son, i am so proud of you..
I am so sorry that i was not there for you when you needed me the most
Wait for me to be back on May ok?
I have a token of achiement for you..
I love you dear son to the moon and back..

Jumping to another story..
I dont mind if i am not married for the time being..
After getting to know it was so great to be a mum when your son takes over what you love to do most..
Well, part of it i dont think so that there are many of them will accept me as what i am.. My status..
If there were.. Is there a person that will accept both of us?
If no i dont mind being single til the day i die..
If it was written thats my fate.. I will accept it..

I will wait for you.. My prince.. (Although i dont know who you are)

I am done with putting too much hopes and thoughts on this..

Sorry to those people that i've hurt..
Thanks to those people that have opened my eyes

Am good alone... Really?

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Korean Drama overacting me

Good morning bloggers!! Well i know its 1am in the morning but..i kinda miss blogging so back..well i know no one misses me actually..

Last year was not my year eventually..
Impact til now..
Still finding solutions to my problems
But i notice this is how i've learnt how difficult life could be..
I am more appreciating my life now..

Actually I have no idea what to write about..
Well lets just say I finished watching a korean series that triggers the heartache in me and let me back here.. (I should have been more careful of those series..)

I know that i really miss my boyfie.. But deep down in me there is someone that i miss but i couldnt recall who.. (Its just the impact of the series..overacting me)
I think i just missed being held by someone during my ups and downs.. The comfort feelings that makes be misses it the most..
After that korean series session i felt kinda lonely (age factor.. Please go get married soon)..

Just to convey this message.. To you the person that I miss..your touch, the way you pampered me, your eyes.. I really miss you..

After the incident last year (2015), i think i became the person where I am when I was a kid.. Being alone is my fortè. I stopped liking to hang around that often anymore.. But i tried very hard to just force myself being the normal me.. By the end of the day i felt too exhausted being to think of others.
I even heard my friends says I sigh alot during my sleeps.. Is it the everyday stress causing this? Well i even sleep talking.. Last year it became frequent. As long as I am too tired that day i will start sighing or sleep talking.. I hope it is lesser now..

To all readers, til then....

Shall we meet again in other times


Monday, 12 January 2015


I met a guy..
Trusting him..
I just found out..
He actually lied to me bout his name.
Even though its as simple as a name
But, why you have to lie in the first place.

Trusting him is a big mistake.
Now I don't really know which is true and which is not.
I hate being like this cos I like the person.
And now, good bye to him.

Actually in the first place when I asked for his name and he told.
I was a little bit suspicious.
But I just let it me because we just met.
Yesterday, he left his wallet with me. So to kill my curiousity I went to see his IC.
Unfortunately, it was as what I thought in the first place.
Sorry for the inappropriate act where looking at people's IC without their permission
But this shows that God wanna show me his true self.

Thanks God for showing me this.
I will appreciate people who be sincere with me more than people who lied to me even just the name.

To him,
Nice knowing you. You are a good guy but please stop being like this.
Good bye for now friend(or not anymore)
Take lessons from this.


Monday, 15 December 2014

I donno

Hello my dear bloggers...

Long time no see yall

Me is back..haha


Well, basically I write because I have heart issues.
This time..hey...I am being left alone by him..
Let me refresh.. It was him that I can't really be with him from my previous post.

Anyway, now I start to feel I am left out..
Being thrown away..
Feeling like I am in faraway ocean
Being drift away miles

Everyday I am expecting his call or text..
I felt like a stupid person awaiting something which won't really happen..
I am not mentally disorder. Just because of Love.
I miss being with him
I miss more being myself
In times when I want to walk away.
I will end up still awaits..
I don't really know why..
I know there won't be a chance
Yet I chose a path where to hurt myself more everyday
I tried being with someone else
But those feelings are not the same

Day and night, hours minutes seconds,
I think I am the one who usually look for him
I will start to text him when for me is too long he went missing..
Now a days he manage to get himself on Facebook.
I saw him in recommended friends but I did not add him cause I know if I add him I will be more hurt than now.
What I can do is just to see from far
I tried my best every time when I see something unpleasant I tell myself not to cry
Be a strong women as how your history teaches you.

I hope I can end this. Can anyone be the person who awaken me from my dreams?
My prince charming...



Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Its Time

I think its time..
Its time for me to back off
I waited for this time for 6 months..
and it has arrived..
I do feel sad..
Leaving it behind is not something that I would like to do
But in the current situation..
It will be the best thing to do..
Loving him is giving him peace..
Loving him is also letting him go..
Loving him is to make sure he is happy with his current life..
(I know its all about feel it..I feel like taking a knife just stab into my heart)
But what to do..
Life still must go on..
I pray for you the best..
You can be a good father..
A good husband..
Without me your life is still the same.
Still colourful..As always..
I know..Always knew it..
But I was naive to still believe in our love (suppose my love/feelings?)
And eventually it just hit me that its gonna end..soon..
And apparently the time just came..30/9/2014..
The time...the time for me to go...
Letting go of you is not that I don't love you anymore..
Like I said earlier.. Sometimes you won't even know what is the best for you..
So as me..I will show what will be the best for you..
As I leave..I will leave quietly..
I will thank god for sending you to me..
Even its just a while..
I know some day I will find the right person..
I know I am strong..
I know I can do it (hope so)
Being silent is the best way to make you forget me..
Being silent is also the best way for me to back up...
I wont be with you any longer
I've tried my best on finding ways to pull back for these few weeks..
Include changing my job..not my number obviously..Cos it makes no sense to change number because of a guy..
Til we meet again my love..

I know I am strong,


Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Today...two post..
why do I write here?
Am too heart broken now
I have no friends to talk to about me at this hour (12AM)

Most of my post I were talking about how much I love him
What I hope with him
I need to stay strong to back off..
bla bla bla

But I just notice today..
The more I do anything to push him away..the more I love him
The more I try to change my mindset for us to become friends.. The more I miss and love him
When I behave like nothing happens...He will suddenly appear and spark the feelings
When I tried to talked him out to let me go...apparently he wont..

This is the first time in my life where I don't get the person I love..
It damn hurts
And usually I tell people that "Love is not just about being with each other..sometimes we need to learn to let go"..
Now when it happen to me..I am lost..its hard (freaking hard) to let go..

Sometimes I question God, why I am tested like this..
In the same time...I know that God have his plan...
I hope I am strong enough to walk through this test created by God to me..
One of the toughest test for me..

I really do miss the whole of you..
And when I notice that I am tooooooooo deeply in love with you is that..I see no wrong in you (not to say no wrong..I dont really get mad in what you do..and I will always forgive)
Its been eating me inside out for more than 6 months already..guess another less than 6 months I can celebrate my 1st anniversary of heartache..

Why am I so loving you?
You are not a good person..I know what you did..
I know no one is perfect..
But..everything on you...physically and attitude and mentally..
Is all I am craving are my type of guy
And I know...God will not pair us up with the person of your preference.

Everyday I will be loving and missing him more..
I just hope we really can be together..
I still have long as I am willingly to wait..