I am here again to talk to you as I feel so lonely now.
I have no one to talk to daily now on how my day went or to care about another person's daily life.
One day he decided to just vanished leaving me there not knowing what happened.
I now feel like I am in a vast ocean holding on to a stone that is making the boat sail slower. I am doubting myself whether to throw the stone or just hang on to it with hope inside the stone are diamonds. But with the slow sailing boat I don't even know whether I can make it to the land.
I manage to get in touch with him but the feelings are different now when it hurts every time I receive an email from him. I feel like hanging on to it and also letting go. Maybe I just haven't just get used to the fact that I lost a friend to talk to, to love, to cry with, to care, and to celebrate all small achievements.
The content of the email actually told me why he went totally shut down. It was he was battling within himself mentally all the insecurities and jealousy from us being apart for so long now due to the pandemic.
The mental issues were always there throughout us being together but when we both being apart for so long it all just gotten worst. I did feel the changes but I just shrugged it off. I have try my best to support him by being positive. But it seems like I lost the battle and now that to think that I might even loose him forever hurts.
I know that if I don't let go of that stone it will eventually drown me because I am on a very fragile boat paddling through the vast ocean and I know deep down in me there is a little piece of hope. Hoping that I will manage to bring the stone with me, keeping it by my side and I will get the diamonds in it. Yet it might take months or even years for me to be there or it might only be an ordinary stone.
Blog,
Am I doing a mistake by not moving forward sooner?
Should I still hang onto him?
I don't really know anymore. Should I let time heal me? but if I don't let go can I heal?
Will he be coming back to me if he "recovers" or he will be moving on with his life?
There are so many questions, so many insecurities.
Love,
Koala
