Younger!!!

Dear diary,

Recently I went to an Island. I made new friends along the way. And there is one particular person who I am attracted to. He is sweet funny and encouraging.  The catch is? He was wayyyyyyyy younger. He is in his early 20s and me? Almost 30 (while writing this)

Its been long since this heart was interested in anyone. Well actually I think its the after effect of being too closed to him I presume. Well I am just writing this down to pour all my thoughts and feelings out. Because I will not talk to anyone about it and will not be able to know whether the feelings are real. Or its just a game of the mind and heart.

Its a warm of heart to know that i still have feelings to like/admire/love. I thought i will loose it when i turn 30. Well being this age i believe we look for relevant. Even me. I am looking for someone with a list of criteria. Little did I know that the most simplest act will melt the heart abit. Guess we never know how our feelings works.

But 1 thing for sure is we will not be together in any circumstances. Why? Guess he deserve a better person. Me? Alot of mistakes behind me and i do not want to drag someone that is not related to any of my problems. Not everyone accepts whatever happened and I believe he is still young with full potential to get someone suitable for him.

Being able to love someone and you cannot have that person? It hurts. Alot. Been there. Done that. I have been in those rocky relationship twice now. I love them like crazy and ended up being the second option. Guess knowing this new guy gave me the same feelings i had for the past 2 experiences. And even noticed that most guys that came in between were almost like a rebound. Its unfair to them but i did love them much but my heart can easily change. Only those two person manage to make me love them and it hurts everytime I remember how much I loved them before.

There was one time that this guy texted me again and the heart was so happy. Even after we stop seeing each other. I still believe in love but the heart slowly became hard on the outside but too fragile on the inside which scares me to even love again.

Hey young guy, I have feelings for you.  I cant say that am in love. But I know I wanna have you. I will always see you as my buddy. So dont worry. I wont try to pour anything out for the sake of our friendship.


Love,

L

Heart.Feel.Love

Well, hello there.. its been long..

**cleaning all the dust away**

This entree i would like to write about my feelings..

Actually am a big fan of manga and love comics.

There is one comic makes me think.

Its been long I did not feel Love and Being Loved by a man.

Well i remember the last time i love too much is the forbidden love and i stepped away cos i know its wrong dating a married man.

And the last time a man loved me for who i am.. he is looooonnngggg gone (married) cos in the end.. man are still man. They choose who they think are wife material.

I know i wont be a very good lover as i am still a rebel/i actually have my own opinions (thanks to growing up alone)

But I dont really have been in a short term relationship. Cos shortest was 2 years together.

And now I have the mentality of “I am a proud mum to a 10 years old Son. Why would I need a man in life”

But after the manga..

I feel like i needed someone who really appreciates me, support me, “manja” me, love my son as his own etc etc. (Well his dad got married 2 years back.. guess i deserve a good life too)

I think i need to really find love.

I am 30 now with a 10 years old son.

Will I find the right guy?

I know God has plans for me. The thing is. Did I try hard enough to find his “plans” or I am actually sitting doing nothing now.

Its not about getting married.

Its all about someone that can be my soulmate, my lover, my companion, my advisor.

Everytime when I know someone that loves me so much. But i always thinks is he good enough for my son. (Reeaaaalllyyy makes me wanna just be a single mum for the rest of my life.. cos its tiring)

Guess I should start searching, open up my circle of friends. Well the older we get the less friend we have. Change in perspective. Change in life. Everything in life is about experience and changes right?  So lets see how it goes from now on.



From chubby but sweet,

Yuuki