Saturday, 26 July 2014

Finally..Is it?

I manage to snap out of my dilemma and thanks to him..
The words he used makes me realised am playing with fire..its not flame..but fire..
But yet..I dont really know am I ready to move on..
I told myself..just go with the flow..
Maybe 1 fine day I will find someone much better than him..
Who can be with me always..
Who loves me the fullest..
Who.........makes me happy everyday..

When people tell you "thanks for being understanding" but for you its because you have to have no choice..Even you don't wanna be the one who always understands the situation..It hurts like hell..
One word that makes me terrible I am in some point also how pathetic I am in this relationship..
Always be the giver..not the taker...I maybe next time I should be the least I still live happily..
As a giver I challenge my self...the hard way this time.. of still in love with you...
but...I dont really know until when..
I hope I really can move on..I dont wanna be in this terrible position again..
I will miss US a lot...
After quite some were the person who made me felt like I am a woman..
Thank you for loving me (I don't know is it true..I just take it as yes since you voice it out)
Thank you for being with me..treat me like a woman not a girl..
Thank you for giving me a lil hope (which was actually not a lil..) until I can't really leave you..
Thank you for everything...yes...everything even we don't have a lot of memory together..I appreciate it..much

I love you dear..I dont know whether will it be forever..or I might find someone else later on..
As of now..I am still in love with you...

Me,Myself and I

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

The feeling

I told him how I felt..guilty, love, hate, everything..
I was so released but on the other hand..He still gives me hope to be with him
He told me that he loves me..he cares about me..and he told how happy he had me..
Owh..he is a sweet talker..he knows how to win woman's heart.
And yes..I fell for it..
And now suffering own own thoughts..
I just hope I can go with the more thinking too much..its bad for my feelings and brain also..
At first I decided to move on..
but how he did the reverse psychology...was too much...
he just makes me wanna be by his side every day...
and I know it will be a 50 50 gamble..its either I will be wasting my time..
OR I will get him...but yet I wont be with him 24/7
He have other commitments. Guess it is much more important...
Shall I gamble my fate?
Shall I go with the flow??
go with my heart feelings?

Love, hate, you

Sunday, 20 July 2014


Another week passed by...and yet..I am still here alone..
Praying and hoping that he will be here with least few hours..
A lil bit of disappointment (a lot actually) after moving here..
I think I really need to re-think on my feelings for him..
Am I too naive to fall in love with someone that I know I wont ever have him to myself every single day..
Can I walk through the path of my aunt?
She managed it for 20 years and I do respect her very much now how she can be alone everyday..seeing her love one only maybe 2 months once...
Might be because I am the person who needs someone be with me...
I don't really know why...might be because I was alone all the siblings around..only me and my granny..all the time..

Don't really know what to type here cos its just too lonely to describe the feeling
Am crying from the inside I guess..
I shouldn't have let him know that I love him..
He did replied that he loves me too but..
After few months..I guess its too much...
If only I can let him read my least he will know how I feel in these few months..
I am the expressive type..Even he don't read it part of my feelings he already know..
But he don't know the full of it..
I wonder if he reads it will he still be with me? or he will let me go because he pity me?

I just feel that I am so helpless..
its been a love someone this much..
Will I ever have a chance to be part of him?
I don't really know..What and how my life will end up?
I don't know...1 step at a time I guess..
Just having headache thinking of it.

I hope he knows what am I thinking...


Friday, 18 July 2014

Miss working..and i dont know why when it comes to weekends i will miss him badly..
Maybe that i wont be seeing him until the next working day (if am working and not on offday)
He promised me that he will visit if I moved near to him..but left alone..its been almost a month...
He eventually blame our work schedule..well I agree...but..hmm...he may need to know how to arrange his time..still I dont blame him but only me myself knows how i feel..i want to be with him so badly that it is eating my feelings up..

I know that our relationship will be in a 50 50 future. And still I am betting on it..
Too naive on relationship i guess..
Or we can call it love is blind?
Am i the only one who gives my all to the person we love?...huhu
I learn from the past but still jumping into is that? Too subjective to explain.
Hope you will learn about my blog cos i wrote everything is in my heart here..

Luv u always heart was left with give me back when we meet...


Friday, 11 July 2014

Lonely Night

Another lonely night for me..
I don't really know since when I wanted someone to hold me tight while I am sleeping..
I was a strong independent women.
But since when I need someone to care for me..
Is it my women instinct blossoms while I aged?

I felt like hugging someone..(I don't really know I want anyone to hold me or just him)
Am I even falling for him every second until I felt this way?
Guess this time round is not a crush..I am seriously in love again..
But yet..I don't know how we will turn out like..
Its like a mission impossible..
Not only to me..especially to him..
Shall I wait for him? or shall I move on
I can't see any future of ours yet. Maybe its too early to predict it but it seems forever to get to that point of our relationship.
Will he be mad if I decided to move on? (it hurts me even crossing the word in my mind)
I really really really wants to be with him..
Will I be strong enough to go through all this?
Shall I give up?
People said sometimes is better to give up and move on..
Start a whole new life again..push away the feelings once I had..

I felt helpless..
I do have a lot of people around me to spend time with.. (its just not the same)
Even if I go out..I will still think of him..
Trying hard to forget a person will only makes it more difficult to forget..
Its so much a learning curve for me this time..
When it comes to love..its too subjective to being questioned.
Why? How? When? did I even fall in love so deeply
Where is the strong side of me?
She was defeated so easily by him..
I've been asking myself thousand times..
Since when I will fall for this category of a man..

I feel like crying..
But there ain't no tears dripping..
I can feel my heart aches while I am writing all my feelings here..
I have been confessing to him way too much where it gives myself too much hope..
Every single time I confess I will feel like I might have chance to be part of him
When it comes to logical thinking..
It seems wont happen...
Back to important question..
Shall I wait for him? I did confessed to him..his answer was so not promising..but yet my heart says wait for logical mind says please move on..or you will hurt even deeper..
I hope I don't fall into depression due to this.
It will be quite embarrassing if it does..
"Depression due to a guy which I know from the start I won't get him..but if I do it will be a bonus"

A lil regret on the confessing session
I think I will be better if I did not confess to him..
I know its my fault on causing myself like this..feeling one to talk to..cos I know no one will understand what I feel..
They can be a good listener..a good adviser but yet the decisions will be made by me..
I really need someone to cares me now..I want to brush away these feelings..
I need someone for me to love and I can get the love back.
I can't be in the shadow..I can't be the one waiting..
No matter how strong words I can think of...It will just reminds me of how much I loved him..
Is he that important to my life? for being so emotional while he is happy everyday..
I think I should just lay low a see whether he does appreciate me for me or he wants someone who he can bully all along..
I noticed I often fall for "bad guys"and it always turns out not the way I wanted.

I am thinking with this loneliness feeling...Am I ready for marriage?
taking the responsibilities of being a good wife and a great mum to my kids..
Am I competent enough to do all those works..
Will my future husband complaint?
Guess not..cos you should accept your wife as who she is..and if she changes because of you...its because he loves you too much and don't want to loose you..
This is what I felt..I starting changing my appearance, my language, my almost everything...for him..cos I am scared of loosing him..
Come to think about it is so foolish of me..

Shall I wait or I move on?


Sunday, 6 July 2014

do i?

Guess everytime when i start to blog is the time when i dont have anyone to talk to about my feelings or to the person I am thinking so much..

Today..officially 4th day I dint see him (ok..did saw him on friday but its like..5 minutes..manage to tell him i missed him) does seperates people unless you are staying together..

I thought i can eventually survived without seeing him..but..these feelings dissapointed me. I've been missing him every second. Even i dont think of him, he just popped into my mind and hurts my heart.
I cannot not miss him i guess cos half of the reason i moved is because of him..
I felt kinda stupid now cos I listens to him too much where end of it it will still break me apart. Well..what people says os is blind..and I am blind and I dont know when I will be awaken.

Being left alone with no any news if a very frustrating event. I really need at least to listen to his voice so that i can keep up my momentum for the whole weekend of being alone. When can I know that he is really the person that is worth to wait for?
Guess the only ways to know is by asking him. Is he really really serious with his feelings?

Well..its time to sleep i guess...missing him wont keep me surviving in this materialistic world.

Night peeps..

Friday, 4 July 2014


Olla people on the floor..
Its me and me again
Again with my never ending love story..
I thought that I manage to shove the feelings towards him away...i did throw quarter of it. But there are still those deep feelings to him..i hate it..cos i feel like i am too weak..i love him too much where i got those jealous feelings..supposely i wont have it even with my previous bf..
Why is it with him i felt jealous with girls around him..
Actually because he is too caring and too soft to girls. And lots of girls will have feelings to him.. bad..
Whatever..i hope these feelings can gone as soon as possible..cos i cant even see the girls that which is too closed with him..and i need to try very hard to refuse the feelings...i hate that i get jealous on these things which i hardly have it or i dont encounter it. Might be i dont see him often maybe.. thats the reason why i want his attention just for me. Hmm...
It tough eh..
Oh god
I just love him so much
Take care of him for me..
Get rid of these feelings for me..
I know u know whats the best for me
But this feelings are too much and i know it might be just another fate that u want me to learn in my life...
I hardly can handle it already..

Hope everything will be alright soon