Saturday, 31 May 2014


Did I made a wrong decision?

I told him everything about me..the past..
I'm scared of loosing him.But he should know too if he really likes me..
Since I already told...I just pray that its a right decision..
But if lets say he can't accept it..well..I know that he is not the right person..

I really wonder how he feels.
Yes I told him
He do not have any response in his face..
He was not shock at all. Like some of my friends does.
He told me "I was not shock at all cos I have alot of friends like you.."
Unfortunately I did not have the courage to ask how he feels after I told him.
Anyway...its to someone that I should not have loved.
I guess I might be ok if he do not accept me..

Hey YOU, how do you feel after I told you?
Do you think you will like me?
If only you know how much I  love you..hurm..
I know its hard/not possible to earn your love..but..
EVEN if I said that nevermind I can survive with that but way far in the heart I still hope I can be yours forever...

Forever yours,

Friday, 30 May 2014

Near but Far


Spent over 12 hours outside the I feel like no more energy in my body even after KFC..

So..about today's topic..Near but Far..why?
I spend also 12 hours with him so its near..but why far...because...I cant do anything to him..I feel like holding his hands..walking through the people that we passed by. But since we are 3 of us so..I did not take any is near me but the feeling is like being each of us in different part of the world.
Yes i admit that its a dream only to walk openly with him holding hands..where I can freely hug him..or even kiss him..

Eventhough I do not have any time with you just the two of us. But today makes me happy..cos I see your face for a longgggggg time.. :)

dear A,
Luv you much...(keeping in the heart only)

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

When he thinks I'm too rough

Mental breakdown for me..cried the whole night thinking of him..Then in the morning I sent him a text..even though we are just sitting next to each other. I wanted to tell him directly but can't. Since its in the office and I couldn't find a suitable place and time to say it to him. So, the text sounded like this:
"Hey there, just dropping by to say I love you so much and its killing me from the inside..wanted to tell you face to need to be alone for a while..just to keep myself on track..or maybe to love you less :-P .. that's also one of the reason I can't sleep"

Well..after sending that text..he did gave me some space to let me get back on more teasing me and so on..although I missed it but..just to love him less..I have to put some gap between us I guess..

I wonder do you really love me as me or its just to persuade me?

Shall I ask this question?
I'll wait for the right time.

Due to yesterday's thingy..I actually acted rough and boyish today..And he noticed..
Asked me why..I just said simply..
If only I can tell you sincerely..I act rough because of you..I don't wanna fall too deep for you (its already real deep)..When I act rough maybe you will talk to me less..because I know you prefer girlish girls..

If only you knew I've changed some of me for you..
Love really change people it seems..
I hate loving because I will start following what the person says..
As what you always ask me not to do I will try to not do it..
If I don't love you I guess I don't give a Damn..because one of my living quotes are..I don't give a damn what people think of me..I am transparent enough as a person..

I hope that all goes well.. I hope that I can get my heart back...because eventually my heart is attached to him..DEAR HEART, PLEASE COME BACK TO ME..I know that I deserve someone the mean time I haven't found anyone yet..A friend told me.."hey..I've seen you suffer too much because of love..try getting someone who loves you more and you will be happy" .. but for me..loving and loving back the person is better because both will appreciate each other.

Note: Dear A, please give me back my sincere to me..I don't mind the heart is given back in long as you give me back...I am strong enough to stand up again since I've gone through many times...try saying some mean words to me..since you can't love me back..or simple says..we can't be in any relationship..please..don't treat my heart too well..smash it if you have to...I know I can glue it back..and the feelings for you will be locked way down..

Stupid Girl

Monday, 26 May 2014


OK.. today I was happy to see you.. you know you irritate my whole day today?
I guess its because I was actually waiting for your call yesterday but unfortunately none came that's why I became irritated with you..
If only you know how I feel..
I know you have your own commitment..
So do I.. *ok..I haven't done anything right yet as of now..I only pray for his healthiness*

It is hard to get something which is not yours. Even a 5% out of it.
Guess I need to stay away for awhile.
Act like I don't care of anything
And pray hard that I will forget the feelings towards you.

I am determined that I will not follow what you say..asked me to do..
*even its hard to do because I love you that's why I listen and do what you say*
I will try to improve on my determination just for my own sake I guess.
I can't really rely on these feelings anymore..Its breaking me into pieces..
YES its into pieces..
I will lock the love at the end of my heart..and I hope I can throw away the keys..and written there
NO ENTRY...same as others with other names on it.
but this love..guess no entry might be suitable..hahaha..



nite peeps..
stay beautiful..

Sunday, 25 May 2014

I miss you

Okay..this is the continuing blog from the previous topic..

I miss you so much.....

I can only say it out loud here..

I can tell no one that I fell in love with you..that I miss you..loving you makes me feels like I don't have any friends to talk to..Maybe I am scared of people's judgement..

Hey YOU,
I think its time for me to throw away the feelings even its hard I will try my best.
Loving you hurts me and I don't like it.
Now its real hard to forget the feeling but I know I will. Please say something mean to help me..
Don't be the person of my taste when in front of me. I really need you to not be the person I want  (even I know that is your nature character)
Its been a month where I snap out and notice I actually fell in love with you.
And its also 1 month I tried to get rid of the feeling..
Nothing helps..I tried going out all the time..not being alone..but anyway human needs rest. And while resting you keep popping on my mind..And my heart will start aching..
I feel like an idiot when I cry over you. But..thats what happened. I can't control it.
Even I am boyish..I survived my life..I am still a girl, women, a lady. My heart is still not tough enough to go through this. Its a great feeling but annoying..because like I said.. I CANT have you.


ok..motivational words for myself even I know I am just bluffing myself out.


Friday, 23 May 2014

When I'm in Love with a wrong person

Morning Bloggers..

I wonder what he is doing right now...

I know if anyone reads my current post you will be like "can't u just let him know? why write on a blog?"

yea yea yea...I already told him, but he can't respond to it. NO WAY he can. He can only listen. And continue to treat me as normal. I really want to know his heart. What he thinks of me. Does he even like me even we can't be together...maybe for the rest of our life..And I know he can't start any this type of conversation.

We still meet each other too often since we are friends.
And that hurts and makes me happy every time. 
Why hurt? because he can't be mine..Yes we talked, laughed, smile with each other but deeeeeeeeepppp down in my heart wants him badly to be a part of me...
Why happy? because he is by my side even though with others around..I think I love him too much where I can just see his face and be happy as long as he is..

Loving someone that you can't get is one of the bad thing happen.
Now that I already confess just to ease my freaking heart and I actually regretted it. I should just kept it to myself since I know that we can't be together. No use of confessing. Dumb girl. 

Guess I need a Runaway trip to cure my heart and start new. I know it will be very difficult to let go the feeling since I will be facing him almost everyday. But I hope GOD spare me some guidance and forgive what I've done bad so that he take away this feeling fast because I will crumble if it takes too long. Currently I can't be alone because it makes me misses him too much and I will start writing here again.

I hope 1 day I will find someone that I can love and he can love me back. Enough of this lesson. Thanks God for the feeling granted to me and I've learned my lesson. LIFE is hard. But I am one of the survivor.

ok..enough of writing..its turning into something else...

Take care my lovely bloggers. 

Bye ;)

Saturday, 17 May 2014


Ohayoo Bloggers,

How is everyone?

I think I really left blog for such a longggggggggggggg time..

I think everytime I blog is when I'm thinking of something..


This time round its quite a serious issue..

I know some of you experienced loving someone that you shouldn't have..

That is what I am experiencing currently..

Thank you Lord since you still give me chance to love


I've been given the feeling to love someone where I DO NOT even have the possibility to get...

How you will feel if you can't even text him saying "I Miss You" when you are thinking of him..

Me? trying to survive day by that I can forget the feeling as soon as possible..

What I've learned from the past..don't try too hard on forgetting cos it will make you worst.. am trying my level best to actually stop thinking of him..

That is what I want to share..I know its not a good post..but hey... its my blog ;)..

To that person.. I LOVE YOU

*i know you don't have social network and you hardly go online*

This is the only way that I can tell to the world that I love him while in reality...its all drama...

Stage of Life...