Monday, 23 June 2014

Snap out

Dear blog,
Its been a while since I asked him to go out on a date with me..
So I tried asking him a lot.
I want to try whether my feelings for him has already been overwrite by the logic that I have put in my mind..
Did I manage to overcome all the madness of being too in love with him..I wonder...

Still I know I love him but...the logic was greater. Might be because I am a survivor of any problems so I took it as a lesson.
Don't try loving anyone that you can't get..when you snap out of the will notice that you are a fool..
Eventually that is how I feel now..damn I felt ashamed in some part..but..hey..manage to snap out of it..(guess so) hope nothing triggers it..huhuhu will try to treat him as a friend..or maybe more than friend but not a lover...
hard but I've done it luck to me...heh...

Still I know I love him..but yet..logically thinking...he might just leave me...
Dont ever put 100% feelings to a relationship..cos we will end up suffering if it did not work out..
one of my quotes..successfully being utilized..only currently it went out of control and it came back in line..
Am proud of myself....yey

Good Job
and will talk to you again bloggie..

Me myself and I

Saturday, 21 June 2014

To Love or Not to Love

Again...same question all over again..
Its still playing in my freaking mind whether to love him or not to love him
What shall I do?
I don't feel secure with the relationship..
I don't have any prove that the relationship will last long...YES I know love doesn't need any prove..
but yet...When it comes to the future..we need to think further..
since he is a forbidden love..
Its either I proceed to find a better person for me...who can be with me..
OR I just stay by his side thinking that love will win it all..
Am I one of your card?
Or you really do love me?
I bet if we really be together I wont even see you much..
I don't really know can we be a couple or not..
Will you be there for me if I need you?
Will you come to me as soon as you get my call?
Will I be treated the same?
or I will need to be VERY independent?
I believe you have heard my story and you know I am the person who can easily survive in any circumstances.
But please don't forget...I am still a normal women..
I need your love..your guidance..your presents..your soul here with me..
I don't wanna end up being the place where you come and go...
At least please be with me one whole day and night..Its sufficient.
Question is..can you do it?
YES seeing you once a week will really make me independent..
trust me I will be too independent that you cant control me..and I don't want that...
Cos I dont wanna do anything which will hurt your feelings...*foolish me*
What will you do to me?
Will it be the same as now in the future?
Or I will  get my fair part of you?
If it will still be the same I rather shove you away and start to get a better man who I deserve more than you...
If I am getting my fair part of let me know..

Sunday, 15 June 2014


Hey There...I miss you so much!!..
Guess this is the only place that I can "shout" out loud that I miss you.
You've been running in my head since morning and I don't know how to get rid of you.
Maybe I should go out and have a drink with someone and forget about you for a moment..
At least a moment...Cos I know it wont be long until I am back on missing you like crazy.
This happens like...on days I don't see you or talk to you or even text you..
So..after this will another less time of seeing you around..
I hope I can survive that..since I still can text you I guess..If you allow me to..

I felt like I am torturing myself through these feelings..(actually I am)
I am still fighting with the right choice..
I hate being like this..
its just not so ME
I long left her behind..but she came back..with more intense feelings..
I thought she wont be coming back anymore
But when he appears in my life..the Me just rushed back..
I told myself not to love anyone 100% because I will end up hurt eventually..
I have done alot to persuade myself that loving myself is the best thing to do for the time being.. just came back...the feeling of me being loyal...being conquered and being tamed by a guy makes me love every bit of him..I wonder what spell he cast on  me where I can love him almost from the whole of my heart..
And I am left alone here figuring out what to do with it since I or Him can't really love each other 100% in reality..For me it will hurt me hard while for him..guess there is other commitments..but its just being stubborn even I know that I wont be getting the best of him..
I hate myself even more when I start missing him cause it hurts.
I hurts real bad when you miss someone and you don't know to whom, where, or how to express. Every time I still end up here eh. Guess she is a good listener..she will fill in all I tell here..thanks oh blog for being my best friend for now (i dont like journals..maybe I hate writing since my writing is not that beautiful)

One fine day I hope you can read all my post here and you will know how I suffer by loving you alone.
I wish I can have a heart to heart conversation..I thought it will be today...but unfortunately.. guess not..I know you are keep it to myself for another week..hope I wont explode..


Friday, 13 June 2014

Meroyan Lagi

adoi...smpi bile nk meroyan pon xtau la..
ni da second time meroyan da..
Kenape la aku syg sgt kt dier ni wei..
bkn aku dpt ape dri dier pon..

bodoh la ko ni...hmm

aku rase hati aku ni terbelah kepada dua da ni..
sebelah evil me..sebelah good me..
dorg da mcm bertumbuk kt dlm kate nk syg dier or tak...da mcm ape da..
kalau la aku bleh btau dier skng kan best...
at least dier tau ape aku rase..
mcm xgune gak..
ape dier nk buat?
dier hanye mampu mendengar..aku ni spe je..smpi skng aku dok terpikir...smpi ke mne mcm ni...
the evil me kate tkut sgt kehilangan dier..aku nk dier smpi bile2...
tp the good me keep saying...lepaskan la dier...xbaek kacau hak org....
berperang mereka dua dlm hati...
kesudahannyer nanges sorg2...sbb cant cope up dgn feeling sendiri...

Dugaan yg sgt berat...dan aku xtau smpi bile...apekah dier jodoh ku?
takdir, jodoh, ajal, maut sume ditgn Tuhan..

Mungkin ini adalah cara utk aku berfikiran matang dan juga menduga kesabaran aku dan membuat keputusan yg terbaek...
cmne nk buat keputusan terbaek klu masih berperang dlm hati...
tak dinafikan syg aku kt dier mmg kuat...smpi satu tahap aku xnk lepaskan dier...
still...who am i to him?
xde org akan tau melainkan dier je..
klu aku tnyer pon....kite xtau jawapan btul ke tak..
Dan aku tak nak diberi harapan yang palsu..
Sbbkan cinta ini aku takut aku akan jatuh pada harapan yang palsu (sekiranya palsu la)
Sampai bila?

Persoalan terbaru dalam pemikiran ku...


Thursday, 12 June 2014

Why ah?

Aloha people..
After trying and trying..I am still in love with him
ok..that is not a good sign..

person who cant be with me 24/7 for the rest of my use of keeping..
but why am I still in love with him?
He is kinda too good to be true.
"who am I really to u?"
I don't really know should  I love or should I not love u..
when I love you it hurts me cos I know I wont get all of you..
when choose to not love keep popping in my mind and it turned around to I still love you

I can choose to be with you..
But I pity myself..
I grew up alone..YES I have siblings cousins and so on
but most of the time its me and my granny..
I don't have family experience at all...
If I choose to be with you..I can't feel it also..cos I know you won't be around most of the days..or maybe half of the day..
I will still end up being alone maybe with our kids..
but what happen to the love I seek..
I know you love me..but being apart..hmm..
I've gone through a lot for me to think about marriage..married to someone that wont be with me...
I want someone who can be there for me everyday..except all the outstations bla bla bla
I really do want to feel a family feeling..

argghh...I hate myself now a days..but I choose to say I hate you in my text..cos..deep in my heart I do hate you too actually..cos why did you turn up later and why not earlier.. :(

sometimes I am thinking am I being fooled around?
hurm..shall ask him one of the days.


but sometimes we need to have alone time..

Tuesday, 3 June 2014


At first I wanted to write the story how I feel for the person...but..bad news came to me before even I started writing here.

OK. my most trusted boyfriend cheated on me. Actually I am not SO shock on this news when someone told me the story. Its like I was expecting it just that its a gamble. Even though its hard to stay calm but I manage. Part of it might be my fault because gave him less attention now a days. Also, am in love with someone else. Which I can't get obviously. But still..he can't just use my trust to go cheat around. What ever..its I am thinking how to catch the fox.
Should I or should I not?
I dont know what will be my response if I really catch them.

By the way, I am actually mad with my friend. Why did he cover up for him?
Hey people, I thought I know you longer than you know him.
I guess I got a wrong type of friend.
I still can handle my emotion as of now.

Just don't let me catch it or you will get a nice one from me. I don't mind being single and I don't mind loosing this type of friend.

Trust don't really know who the real me is.
Haven seen me mad before right?
Maybe next week?
This week am too busy to even think of this issue actually. I will go with the flow until my emotions cant be hold anymore. Then you will know how it is.

Enough of writing tonight. I don't know what time I will sleep. Damn am working morning.

Nite nite allz,
The pissed off Me

Sunday, 1 June 2014

Of Topic


Today I had a lot of fun outing with my ex colleague..
We are like a family..even though we don't work together anymore still they will invite + force me to any function they organizing..
I felt so appreciated. Since it can consider as 1 of my first job after graduation still I did made good friends and boss

Ok..on the other side of my head..I was trying to run away from me thinking of him..
hmm...I wonder how he thinks..I do really wanna know..
How is he today?
Guess I will know only by tomorrow.

Shall I make a stupid move again?
I do really wanna ask him. But I am not even anything to him. Ok..just friends..
Hurts hurts hurts..

Due to my past I felt like marriage can be put aside first *even I haven got married yet..might be of the stupid abuse*
But after meeting him..I feel like I really need someone by my side to care bout me. *I hope is won't be eventually*
Guess I've grew up I hope the other part of me can show me what is family..What are the feelings..I really need a man not a sick and tired of it.
*Thats why I fell in love with him..he is a man*
With him I feel peace in my heart..I don't really know why...

guess...that might be the story..

If only I knew you earlier...maybe we aren't meant to be with each other...

Tiring day