Today...two post..
whatever..
why do I write here?
Am too heart broken now
I have no friends to talk to about me at this hour (12AM)

Most of my post I were talking about how much I love him
What I hope with him
I need to stay strong to back off..
bla bla bla

But I just notice today..
The more I do anything to push him away..the more I love him
The more I try to change my mindset for us to become friends.. The more I miss and love him
When I behave like nothing happens...He will suddenly appear and spark the feelings
When I tried to talked him out to let me go...apparently he wont..

This is the first time in my life where I don't get the person I love..
It damn hurts
And usually I tell people that "Love is not just about being with each other..sometimes we need to learn to let go"..
Now when it happen to me..I am lost..its hard (freaking hard) to let go..

Sometimes I question God, why I am tested like this..
In the same time...I know that God have his plan...
I hope I am strong enough to walk through this test created by God to me..
One of the toughest test for me..

I really do miss the whole of you..
And when I notice that I am tooooooooo deeply in love with you is that..I see no wrong in you (not to say no wrong..I dont really get mad in what you do..and I will always forgive)
Its been eating me inside out for more than 6 months already..guess another less than 6 months I can celebrate my 1st anniversary of heartache..

Why am I so loving you?
You are not a good person..I know what you did..
I know no one is perfect..
But..everything on you...physically and attitude and mentally..
Is all I am craving for..you are my type of guy
And I know...God will not pair us up with the person of your preference.

Everyday I will be loving and missing him more..
I just hope we really can be together..
I still have time..to wait..as long as I am willingly to wait..

Love,
Me

Beside

What means by beside?
Hoho..today...on a public holiday..and i yem werking... Gosh..

Hmm..ok..dont complaint much cos we get up to triple pay...and since its public holiday not much work to do..

Ok..what is beside..
Beside me is him..today i sat next to him
Oh..why? I dont know.. i thought i said i wanna run far away from him

Looking at him every second is breaking my heart piece by piece..
Today since i am too much broken...i tend to annoy him..much..
I hope those annoys him alot...
Cos its too hurting when it is breaking off piece by piece..

This shows how much i love him and how much i want to avoid him..
How much i want to be away from him..
How much i think its me who needs to back off..

If only i have the courage to do what i think i gonna do...huhu...
Damn i hate myself this weak..
Its just not so me..
I guess its been long when i sincerely love someone..

Dear god o mighty..i pray for courage to walk away from him..the person u sent to let me know what is love again...

~me in my own world~

Decision

What decision?
Opportunity cost..
So..which are best for me..

Hmmm
Ok..its time to back off lil by lil
Its killing me myself n i i guess
Yes he keeps telling me that he loves me..keeps reminding me that he loves me always..
But..what i have learnt from the past..
Love is not to conquer...
Love is to appreciate
Sometimes love needs sacrifies..
I will still be loving him..
But..I think...(dont really know for how many times)..its time to move on
Yes i love him..alot..so much...were most of the guys dont really got it from me..
Overwhelming love..and because of that its killing me..
I have to learn to stay strong..maybe step by step to leave him...
It will hurt me more than hurting him..i suppose..
Well..cos i kinda know the outcome of our relationship..rather than keep being like this...i rather to move on...but is freaking hard..
I just hope that i will get some other opportunity where i wont be seeing him anymore..that will keep both us calm and think about our feelings i guess..
I think its time to voice it out what and where shall i bring this relationship..
No heart feelings...
But..can i do it..am i strong enough to let go the feelings?
Shall i walk step by step
Shall i be firm with my decision
Should i think of his feelings?
The weak part of me is...i do think of others feelings and that makes me love the person so much...
Decision...so..which should i choose?

*me me me*

The moment...

The moment when i notice no one can be in my heart except you

The moment when you told me you love me

The moment you asked me to marry you when both us are ready

The moment I know that you are prone to get women fall for you

The moment you made me laugh, hate, cry, pissed off with and for you

The moment that you told me "do let me know if you have someone else anytime...i do want you and i dont care" because you know out there, there are more guys which are much more better than you

The moment you giving me hope (either true or false)

The moment I decided to still love you

The moment that I notice I cant leave you anymore

The moment when I say I love you

And is the moment that I hope I will be officially yours whenever you are ready


I Love You so much....
I dont know what fate that we will have
But I know if we dont try there wont be any result
You made me cant stop loving you even for a second
And I hope you do remember me in your heart even when we dont meet often..
Remember me in your prayers...
And always love me even we are so close yet so far...


Love
-me-

Sincerely
-for you-

Emotional

Yuhuuu my beloved blog...and bloggers who is reading my post (I bet no one does because the stats shows..LOL) Nevermind.. I just write here so that I can tell everything without hiding..Friends? am lack of true true friend. So..here I am.. posting for nobody..haha

Anyway..in conjunction with the title..
This week is a very emotional week.. all types of emotion.
At first..confuse..whether for me to still love him or not..
but then I got the answer to continue loving him..don't really know until when..(hurm..just go with the flow yuuki...go with the flow)

After I got the answer.. I was panic..cos I notice my period was late..
Then I asked him.. What If? He answered, our baby will be very cute.. (I was like..u seriously with our current situation?)
Even though I don't wanna have a child with our current relationship dilemma but deep down in my heart I actually wanted a baby with him.. LOL
I noticed this when I had my period today (why am I telling this in my blog? whatever..just expressing my feelings)
I felt so disappointed then I noticed that I actually did hope for a baby deep down in my heart..

Then is today... I am officially a student again. Yey!!!..
I registered my name for my MBA course and I can see the new hectic me after this since I am doing part time. Frankly speaking it will be VERY hard to work and study. But since I took up the challenge so...GOOD luck Yuuki. God bless the future of me.

And now am thinking again...
I won't be able to go anywhere for at least 18 months since there wont be any semester break (ok..its only 1 week) so..I CAN go for a short trip. But I prefer going back to hometown to visit my granny..
But I still need a break right.. hmm..
OK.. lets decide that later..Owh my dear Tioman, Phuket, Krabi (money)


Love,
Yuuki