Lonely Night

Today...
Another lonely night for me..
I don't really know since when I wanted someone to hold me tight while I am sleeping..
I was a strong independent women.
But since when I need someone to care for me..
Is it my women instinct blossoms while I aged?

Today..
I felt like hugging someone..(I don't really know I want anyone to hold me or just him)
Am I even falling for him every second until I felt this way?
Guess this time round is not a crush..I am seriously in love again..
But yet..I don't know how we will turn out like..
Its like a mission impossible..
Not only to me..especially to him..
Shall I wait for him? or shall I move on
I can't see any future of ours yet. Maybe its too early to predict it but it seems forever to get to that point of our relationship.
Will he be mad if I decided to move on? (it hurts me even crossing the word in my mind)
I really really really wants to be with him..
Will I be strong enough to go through all this?
Shall I give up?
People said sometimes is better to give up and move on..
Start a whole new life again..push away the feelings once I had..

Today..
I felt helpless..
I do have a lot of people around me to spend time with.. (its just not the same)
Even if I go out..I will still think of him..
Trying hard to forget a person will only makes it more difficult to forget..
Its so much a learning curve for me this time..
When it comes to love..its too subjective to being questioned.
Why? How? When? did I even fall in love so deeply
Where is the strong side of me?
She was defeated so easily by him..
I've been asking myself thousand times..
Since when I will fall for this category of a man..

Today..
I feel like crying..
But there ain't no tears dripping..
I can feel my heart aches while I am writing all my feelings here..
I have been confessing to him way too much where it gives myself too much hope..
Every single time I confess I will feel like I might have chance to be part of him
When it comes to logical thinking..
It seems like..it wont happen...
Back to important question..
Shall I wait for him? I did confessed to him..his answer was so not promising..but yet my heart says wait for him..my logical mind says please move on..or you will hurt even deeper..
I hope I don't fall into depression due to this.
It will be quite embarrassing if it does..
"Depression due to a guy which I know from the start I won't get him..but if I do it will be a bonus"

Today..
A lil regret on the confessing session
I think I will be better if I did not confess to him..
I know its my fault on causing myself like this..feeling hurt..no one to talk to..cos I know no one will understand what I feel..
They can be a good listener..a good adviser but yet the decisions will be made by me..
I really need someone to cares me now..I want to brush away these feelings..
I need someone for me to love and I can get the love back.
I can't be in the shadow..I can't be the one waiting..
No matter how strong words I can think of...It will just reminds me of how much I loved him..
Is he that important to my life? for being so emotional while he is happy everyday..
I think I should just lay low a bit..to see whether he does appreciate me for me or he wants someone who he can bully all along..
I noticed I often fall for "bad guys"and it always turns out not the way I wanted.

Today..
I am thinking with this loneliness feeling...Am I ready for marriage?
taking the responsibilities of being a good wife and a great mum to my kids..
Am I competent enough to do all those works..
Will my future husband complaint?
Guess not..cos you should accept your wife as who she is..and if she changes because of you...its because he loves you too much and don't want to loose you..
This is what I felt..I starting changing my appearance, my language, my almost everything...for him..cos I am scared of loosing him..
Come to think about it is so foolish of me..

BIG QUESTION NOW
Shall I wait or I move on?

-miserable-me